Using Play for Challenging Times - As Featured on Your Zen Mama

This article was originally featured on Your Zen Mama.

Play probably seems like the last thing you would think to do when your child is being uncooperative and resistant. However, when your child is behaving in ways that have you wanting to pull your hair out, play might be just the thing to help both of you through that moment. 

When a child is acting aggressively (hitting or biting), it is because something is going on for them in that moment, and they are communicating the best way they know how; through their undesirable behaviour. In those moments, our children are disconnected from themselves and also from us. In those moments, our children are disconnected, from themselves and also from us. We can move in to repair that connection through play.

Play – especially the nonsense, silly kind – elicits laughter. Laughter releases stress, fears and anxieties from the body, promotes connection, and counteracts feelings of powerlessness and lack of control. “Laughter is the best medicine” may sound like an overused cliché, however, it is one of the most powerful gifts we can give to our children, and to ourselves.

I mean just think, would you rather yell, timeout and continue feeling frazzled when your child refuses to listen? Or would you rather have fun, laugh and bring so much joy to this moment with your child?

Also, important to note: No, play does not “reward” your child’s uncooperative behaviour. Our children generally only misbehave when they are struggling, so if we see our child as having a moment of struggle, we can offer more compassion, empathy and understanding to them and what they are experiencing. 

We use play to re-build the connection, re-build the trust and re-build the relationship so that our children can process what is going on for them, and with play we are doing it in a respectful way that doesn’t diminish what they are going through.

When children feel connected to themselves and us, as their parents, they are more cooperative, and we can go about continuing our day with our cups full.

Here are four of my favourite games to play with your child for those challenging and uncooperative times:

1.Getting out the door in the morning rush:

Do you ever have those moments were you just need to get out the door and your child resists you every step of the way?

There’s a power struggle, you both end of screaming at each other, you both become more worked up and the rest of the day just seems miserable. Sound familiar? Well, the good news is, is that you have the power to turn the entire situation around.

One of the games that my children and I love playing for this tricky time is:

“The Door Won’t Let Me Leave”
This game basically involves you attempting to walk through the door, but for some reason you just can’t seem to step out the door. It’s like there is a forcefield preventing you from leaving.

As you feebly try to exit your house, you can say things like:

“I don’t understand, why can’t I get through”

“What’s going on?”

“Come on door please let me through, please???”

You can add some pretend shoulders to the door way, as you pretend to barge your way out. Listen to your child’s laughter, where the laughter is, follow it. It may get to the point where your child is so over your incompetence that they can just walk through the doorway, leaving you inside “What!? How did you do that, why can’t I get out?”

Basically, you pretend to be really baffled, confused and powerless as to why you can’t get out the door, and maybe your child can. This will release all the feelings about rushing out the door, going to an appointment and the resistance that goes with that. And by all means, add yours and your child’s own flare to the game. Make it yours.

2.Lashing out at others
Does your child tend to lash out at others – hitting, kicking, pushing, bickering?

When our children act out, it is because they are disconnected from themselves and from those they love. They feel powerless, and to counteract that powerlessness they lash out at others. So, when you see your child in this state, punishments and time outs will actually further disconnect them and exacerbate the problem.

If you want to know what the neuroscience says, here is a brief explanation:

The emotional turmoil that we feel comes from our “downstairs” brain, and our rational thinking comes from our “upstairs” brain. When children are acting out, it is because their upstairs brain is no longer connected, so to speak, and the best way to reconnect it, so that they can think before they act, is to offer love, acceptance and compassion. That’s why play and laughter is so effective, because your child will feel connected to you, safe, loved and will make better choices.

“The Love Monster”
You know those times where your otherwise lovingly, cooperative child becomes aggressive, irritable and starts taking it out on other people or other things? Well, those times are where the Love Monster works its magic.

When you notice your child acting in an aggressive way, you can move in as a clumsy, awkward Love Monster, whose sole purpose is to spread love to children who are angry, frustrated and disconnected. To do this you can say to your child “Do I see a child who needs some more love?” Then you can move in to your child clumsily saying “I must hug you, you need more love.” Your child will probably want to run away and you can bumble along behind them saying “you need more love.” Once you get to your child shower them with hugs and “I love you.” If they get away, “hey where did you go, you still need more love.” Your child will laugh and giggle. Once you notice them relax, you know the work of the Love Monster has succeeded.

3.Homework
Getting your child to do their schoolwork/homework can be an all-out battle between the 2 of you. You nag your child to do the work, they become resistant, an argument ensues, you get the picture.

Sometimes our children are resistant because they don’t want to mess up or get it wrong, they feel incompetent and stressed about the expectations placed upon them.

The game that I recommend for these times, first occurred for me spontaneously when I was a parent helper at my son’s school literacy groups. I was assigned the group that had my son plus 3 other children, all bright readers. One of the children was known to be uncooperative, distracting to the other children and also fidgety. The teacher said he would take this child off my hands because he was “difficult.” I replied that this child could stay here with the rest of his reading group and that I could handle anything that came up. The teacher looked at me doubtfully.

Well, that child was “difficult,” he was rocking in his chair, refusing to participate and not listening. So, I turned it into a game, he found it hilarious, read the book fluently and paid attention for the rest of the literacy group.

“I Can’t Read”
Sit next to your child at the table where they are refusing to do their schoolwork, or maybe they are having trouble completing it because it’s “too hard.” Pick up the book or worksheet upside down “wow this is tricky, I’m finding it really difficult to understand this.” You can even try reading the words backwards. Your child will either start laughing, or look at you like you’re a complete moron. They may say “Mum you’re holding the paper upside down” or “you know how to read.” You could reply with “oh silly me” or “hmm I don’t know what happened, one minute I could read and now…what am I going to do” (said in a dramatic voice) or “I can read see” and you proceed to continue reading the words backwards so you are speaking gibberish. Basically, you’re being mock silly, incompetent and incapable of doing their schoolwork. Your child will laugh, possibly call you a loser (or similar) and then try and correct you.

When they get to the correction page, you can either pretend you are still struggling or say “wow how did you know all that, I didn’t have a clue.”

This game is all about making your child feel powerful in a powerless situation. You are in essence acting out their feelings of incompetence.

4.Sibling rivalry
Siblings have one of the most beautiful relationship bonds. However, there are times when conflicts mount, and things can become volatile. Reflecting back on my own childhood with my siblings, we definitely had our arguments, our screaming matches, it didn’t get physical though.

My two boys on the other hand, can go from comrades to enemies faster than you can blink an eye, and their arguments can be explosive and physical. One of the things I have found works wonders at restoring their connection, and assisting in the negotiation stage later, is play. As well as promoting connection, play also helps release some of the accumulated stress and other big feelings children experience that causes them to lash out in the first place. To counteract sibling rivalry, presenting an invitation for them to work cooperatively together in a playful way can restore cooperation and the sibling bond.

“The Sneaky Elf”
When children are fighting, the sneaky elf (AKA the parent/carer) comes in and cheekily removes an item the children are arguing about, in a mock gloating voice you can say “hehehe I got it and it’s all mine.” Then you run away, you can trip and fall, and act like a very clumsy elf. Your children catch up with you and a wrestling match ensues, where the children need to work together to get back their treasure from the sneaky elf. The elf can act determined that it will never be beaten but the children always win, then the elf is mock sad or mock angry. There is lots of laughter, power-reversal (with the adult in the weaker, incompetent role), nonsense, silliness and fun.

Every time I have played this little game with children, their cooperation and connection is restored to each other, they know that there is a safe and trusted adult there to support them, and they are more likely to cooperate and negotiate through the big feelings that led to the disagreement.

I have found the best types of play involves us being so silly and bumbling, that not only do our children laugh, but we laugh too. Meaning play is therapy for both child and parent. When we put ourselves in the incompetent, powerless roles, we empower our children and counteract any feelings of powerlessness they may have in relation to everything in their lives.

Remember, when children feel connected to themselves and us, they are more cooperative, compassionate, respectful and loving.

The next time you are struggling with one of the above scenarios, I invite you to try play instead. You might just find it is the game-changer you need in your life.

Get creative, follow your child’s laughter, and have fun inventing games that have you both in stitches.