2024 Half Yearly Book Review

I didn't want to leave you all with an entire year to wait until my next books review, so I have decided to share with you the books I read during the first half of the year.

This year I won't be reading as many books as I have in the past because I have been focused on creating The Heartfield Way Mentor Program; completing my post grad studies at university; recording more podcast episodes for the second half of 2024; and introducing my new Play Therapy services to my local community.

I have read so many incredible books this year, and as a first, I have decided to rate them out of 5. As you will discover, I found many of the fiction books I read to be truly incredible and have given many 5 star ratings.

• FICTION:

1. The Women by Kristin Hannah - I have absolutely loved all Kristin Hannah books I've ever read. This one was no exception. I cried through all the trauma, heartbreak and grief of the atrocities that happened during and after the Vietnam War. It was so well written, I read this book in under 2 days and it is one I would highly recommend. 5/5

2. The Last Devil to Die (#4 in series) by Richard Osman - I've never actually read a cosy mystery before, and I do not regret reading this entire series in a week. This was my favourite of the 4 books, as you can see, I thought they just kept getting better and better with each new story. They are hilarious, witty, unique and I really want to live in a Retirement community like this when I'm in my 80s. So much fun, and the twists and turns, amazing! 5/5 Best series I've read in a long time.

3. The Bullet that Missed (#3 in series) by Richard Osman - 5/5

4. The Man Who Died Twice (#2 Thursday Murder Club) by Richard Osman - 5/5

5. The Thursday Murder Club (#1 in series) by Richard Osman - 5/5

6. The Angry Women's Choir by Meg Bignell - I loved this book from the title, to the characters, to the messages. I could not put this book down! I read it in 2 sittings, starting in my weekly infrared sauna. This book hits ALL the feelings. There is humour, heartbreak, loss, grief, friendship, wisdom and so much more. 5/5

7. The Tuscan Daughter by Tessa Harris - Tessa reached out to me earlier this year and sent me her book before publication date, after I reviewed another of her amazing books last year. I really enjoyed this book, and I'm so grateful Tessa reached out to me. The characters were well written. It was such a touching story, set in Italy during WWII. I cried happy tears and sad tears. 5/5

8. The Hidden Storyteller by Mandy Robotham - this is another author where I have read several of her books. This book actually continues to bring to life characters from a previous book by Mandy, which I have not yet written. So, I was thrown into a later part of their story and I really enjoyed it, because my grandparents had to navigate post-war Germany. It was so hard for them they immigrated to Australia in the late 1950s with their 2 young sons. The characters were so interesting, and I loved the different areas of society that Mandy explored. 5/5

9. Funny Story by Emily Henry - I have read all of Emily Henry's books to date, and this one is probably my favourite. I really enjoyed the realness of the characters, their development as people throughout the novel, and I loved the ending, where they were given the chance to revisit their past but they chose to move forward. 5/5

10. Not in Love by Ali Hazelwood - I have read most of Ali's books, and the highly sensitive, socially awkward introvert in me, loved the main female character. I loved how she navigated the romantic relationship with the main male character, and that he accepted her for who she is. 5/5

11. Still Life by Sarah Winman - I had read good things about this book, so when someone lent it to me I felt excited. For me, it was such a hard book to get into, at first. However, once I got my bearings I found the story endearing and the friendships were beautiful. 3.5/5

12. The Sugar Palace by Fiona McIntosh - my Mum lent me this book, and I read it but I really did not like it. Part of me just wanted to stop reading it because the characters were not likeable. But I persevered. 1.5/5

• NON-FICTION:

1. NeuroTribes: The Legacy of Autism and the Future of Neurodiversity by Steve Silberman - the best non-fiction book I have read this year (so far). This book was so well researched, so objective and filled with so much trauma and heartbreak for the children and adults of the world that were persecuted for who they are. This is a book I believe ever person should read, regardless of whether you know someone with Autism. 5/5

2. Unique: What autism can teach us about difference, connection and belonging by Jodi Rodgers - I loved the way this book was presented. I loved the personal stories. I loved experiencing happy tears and sad tears. 5/5

3. Between Therapist and Client: The New Relationship by Michael Kahn - this book was recommended by someone in my post grad course. I have always known that the therapeutic relationship is important. However, this took my understanding to the next level. 5/5

4. An Autobiography of Trauma: A Healing Journey by Peter A. Levine - having read several of Peter's books, I was excited to read this one on his own life. I loved going on the journey of what led him to becoming one of the experts on trauma, even though his story is heartbreaking. 4/5

5. The Vagus Nerve Reset by Anna Ferguson - there was nothing in here that I didn't already know. If you are new on the journey, it might be for you. 3/5

6. Time Magic by Melissa Ambrosini - this had some helpful tools and strategies. However, it is not a book I would recommend. It did have some good science. 2.5/5

Have you read any of these books? What did you love? What did you not enjoy?

What has been some of your favourite reads this year?

I’d love to hear from you in the comments below.

If you would like to listen to my expanded review on each book, there is a podcast episode you can listen to here.

The Impact of School Trauma in Adulthood

If you've been on this journey with me for awhile, you will know that I constantly speak out against the detrimental effect the education system has on children. As an Educator myself, I know the ins and outs of the system, and most of what they put forth I am in strong disagreement with. There is a lack of understanding of secure attachment, connection, emotional wellbeing and awareness, and basic human rights/needs.

I even did a podcast episode on how the education system is harmful to the wellbeing of our teachers and educators. You can listen to here.

Basically, no one leaves school unscathed. We all have wounds, hurts and trauma from our time in the school system.

• Sometimes that can look like bullying from peers and teachers.

• Stress from the academic expectations and being pitted against our peers.

• Anxiety from tests, exams and grades.

• Boredom and indifference because we didn't learn things that interested us.

I'd like to acknowledge that we might have fond memories of our school life that we can look back on, like our friendships, learning things we loved and having kind caring teachers. However, we do spend 13 years of our childhood at school, which is a longtime for a child. So, some stress does occur.

Recently, a friend of mine shared with me how they were really struggling with a tertiary course they are doing. They needed to complete a quiz, which in my opinion doesn't even demonstrate the skills required to perform their job. The questions were worded ambiguously, there was no clarity, and if you didn't receive 100%, you failed and couldn't move on in the course.

Many of the qualifications we are forced to do, say nothing about who we are as people, or how we are supposed to translate this knowledge into skills and practice. The Diploma of Early Childhood Education & Care I completed to be an Educator was ridiculously useless. The only thing I learnt was that the departments responsible for creating these courses, laws and regulations, actually know very little about how to implement trauma-informed practices into childcare settings that truly support and accept children for who they are. They have too much focus on box-ticking, learning outcomes and artificial expectations around healthy child development. In fact, they are training adults to cause trauma and stress to children due to the systems and practices they have created, as well as the pressures they place on Educators to always comply.

Yes, I know that's a big thing to say, and I'm completely unapologetic about saying it. I will always continue to speak out against the areas of society that are considered 'normal,' yet causing immense amounts of harm. Just because something is deemed 'normal' does not make it right. I question and analyse EVERYTHING, it's how my brain works.

Back to my friend:

This entire process, revealed a trauma that my friend had experienced during school:

• "I'm not good enough."

• "I'm not smart enough."

• "I'm too dumb."

• "I can't do simple things."

All of these are harsh things that many of us can relate to, because many of us have similar stories that started when we were children. Unless we have the presence of a loving, compassionate person to listen to all the big feelings that surround these thoughts, then this wound continues to follow us throughout life.

There's often a misconception that once we leave school, then we can put all the horrible things that happened to us in the past. However, that's not how trauma works.

"Trauma until we work through it, keeps us stuck in the past, robbing us of the present moment's riches, limiting who we can be" ~ Gabor Mate

Even as grown adults, we still get transported back in time to that little child that was ridiculed, judged and spoken harshly to. For me personally, I always pushed myself academically. I didn't want to be one of the children that failed. I made myself complete tasks I didn't like. From this, I developed perfectionistic traits. Everything I did needed to be perfect, and the perfection needed to happen immediately, not after a few drafts.

I was anxious, overwhelmed and stressed. Until I burnout...as a child. I would often have tummy issues, feel sick and refuse to go to school.

As an adult, this showed up in procrastinating things I really wanted to do. Because my wound was telling me, "what's the point in starting if I don't get it perfect first time?"

This even transferred into my parenting.

I had to get Aware Parenting perfect, otherwise I wasn't a "good enough" parent or Aware Parenting instructor.

I didn't start to heal, until I turned around, looked at my past and said "stop."

• I brought awareness and self-reflection to those moments where I strove for nothing short of perfect.

• What emotion was I feeling?

• What sensations were arising in my body?

• What thoughts and images were wafting unchecked in my mind?

• What stories was I telling myself that simply weren't true?

• What was I needing to help me move this through and out?

• Once I did this, I started letting go of the expectations, the relentless drive for perfectionism.

• It took time, patience and a huge amount of self-compassion.

• I reached out to my Listening Partners and shared all that was going on for me.

• I cried, I raged, I laughed.

I then witnessed the same patterns and stories in my eldest son. Every time he set out to do something, and it didn't work he would rip up his work, he would feel overwhelmed, helpless, powerless. He would lash out in humiliation. It was heartbreaking, watching him put all this unnecessary pressure on himself, and it all came from his limited time in the school system.

What are we doing, not only to our children, but humanity at large by instilling these beliefs that there is something wrong with us?

This is a systemic societal and cultural issue that is affecting our overall wellbeing.

Gabor Mate states, "for the longest time, we have been asking the misguided question 'what is wrong with you?' This question makes no sense in light of current science. Now we are learning to ask 'what has happened to you?'"

When I work alongside a child who thinks there is something wrong with them, they are not good enough or they are too much, I really focus on giving compassion, empathy and holding space lovingly for all their feelings.

With the adults I work with, I offer the same thing. Although, the process can take longer because we have decades of trauma, stress and accumulated feelings to work through. However, it is never impossible to work through our childhood trauma and stresses that keep showing up in our life. With the right support around you, from people who are trauma-informed, compassionate and understand the natural healing processes of the body, you can not only heal your own life, but also not pass those limiting beliefs on to your child/ren.

What thoughts and feelings arose as you read this? What resonates? What doesn't? Are old childhood traumas still showing up in your life? Where would you like to see change occur in our society/culture?

Remember, it can seem really hard and overwhelming working through all of this. I invite you to have so much compassion for yourself, to reach out for support and know that you are not alone, we all have similar stories.

With Kindness & Gratitude,

Steph

BOOK REVIEW 2023

Many of you reached out to ask me where my monthly book reviews had disappeared to last year. I'd love to acknowledge the disappointment you felt that my normal book reviews weren't a staple for you in 2023.

I strongly believe, that balance is crucial to one's overall wellbeing. After exploring all of my commitments, continuing my monthly book reviews, were just not feasible and no longer sat comfortably with all of my other priorities and intentions.

However, I still love writing about what I'm reading, so I have curated a list of some of the books I read last year.

In total I ended up finishing 68 books - over half of them were throw away, free novels on my kindle that helped me to relax and have some 'me-time.'

The others, I have listed below, alongside my takeaways and reflections.

If you enjoy knowing what I am reading, be sure to subscribe to my emails because I always mention what I'm "Currently Reading."

• FICTION:

1. Tomorrow and Tomorrow and Tomorrow by Gabrielle Zevin - I really enjoyed the dynamics between the characters because at times, it does reflect what can happen in real life with relationships. I liked how the author explored concepts of loss, grief, betrayal, jealousy and the nostalgia of growing up in the 80s/90s.

2. The War Pianist by Mandy Robotham - I do love historical WWII fiction, mainly because I feel closer to my grandparents who lived through it in their childhoods. I really liked how this book took place in 2 different countries, both with similar and also different experiences.

3. The Seven Husbands of Evelyn Hugo by Taylor Jenkins Reid - this is not the type of book I would normally reach for, yet it was lent to me by a neighbour. I did find it quite fascinating with the relationships, lack of authenticity and need to fit in for money and power.

4. The Last Hours in Paris by Ruth Druart - this was a story filled with courage, following one's heart and then the ultimate betrayals. I literally cried when the characters story came to an end, because I was really hoping things would turn out different to what they did.

5. The Hummingbird Effect by Kate Mildenhall - so I started this book, read a chapter, put it down, not really resonating. A few days later, I picked it up and again and finished it in a matter of days. This book is so different to what I've read, however, no less worthy of being on your book list.

6. The Librarian Spy by Madeline Martin - this book contained 2 different storylines, that ended up becoming intertwined. As with most WWII historical fiction, there was loss, heartbreak and grief. I would recommend it to other's who enjoy this genre.

7. Wartime at Bletchley Park by Molly Green - I enjoyed this book while reading it, however, it didn't leave a lasting impression on me.

8. Sisters Under the Rising Sun by Heather Morris - this was one of the books that really it me. I bawled my eyes out in parts of this book. Based on true stories this is a book that you definitely need a box of tissues to read. While it is heartbreaking, there is also courage, unity and friendship.

9. The Paris Notebook by Tessa Harris - I do love a good story filled with defiance, suspense and characters who have the capacity to think for themselves, stay true to their values and make the world a better place.

10. The Resistance Girl by Mandy Robotham - this was the first WWII novel I read that is set in Norway. I really enjoyed immersing myself into what it was like for this part of the world during the war.

11. The Keeper of Hidden Books by Madeline Martin - this was another of my favourite WWII historical fiction novels this year, this time set in Warsaw.

12. The Girl from Guernica by Karen Robards - I borrowed this book on a whim when I went to the library with my children. For its size, I sat and read it from cover to cover in less than a day. It spans 10 years, and delves more into the German resistance. It also has a sweet love story, and a happy ending.

13. Go Tell the Bees That I Am Gone by Diana Gabaldon - I have been a fan of this author, since my local bookshop owner introduced them to me when I was 16 years old. At the time, the first 4 were available to read, after that I had to wait years between the release of each one. I'm definitely a books over movies/series person, which is the case with these books too. As the series has grown, so too has the length of the book. I did find myself speed reading several parts of the book. Overall, I'm glad I read it.

14. Love & Virtue by Diana Reid - this isn't a book I would ever read again. It does explore some of the toxic areas of society that are especially prevalent at university. There's also an underlying mystery that is solved at the end of the book.

15. The Codebreaker's Secret by Sara Ackerman - a book which was lent to me, set in Hawaii during WWII. It had 2 time periods, switching between both until they both collided to solve a crime committed during WWII.

16. It Started with a Secret by Jill Mansell - I picked this one up at the library when they were having a sale to move on books. It was a very light, no brain power needed read. It was also forgettable, as I'm now finding out trying to recall what actually happened.

17. It Ends with Us by Colleen Hoover - this is actually the first novel I have read by this author. I did like the exploration of domestic violence. It was similar to many other stories of the same genre.

18. It Starts with Us by Colleen Hoover - I'm the type of person who really likes knowing what happened, hence why I also read the sequel. I didn't like it as much as the first. Yet, still glad I read it.

19. The Liars by Petronella McGovern - my Mum lent me this book. It was quite dark and twisted, with an unusual storyline about murder, teenage antics and intergenerational crime. I did have to push myself to finish it.

20. The Little Wartime Library by Kate Thompson - I enjoyed the characters in this book and the lengths they went to, to bring inspiration and hope to London with their underground library. I loved their dedication to the children and the community.

21. The Soulmate by Sally Hepworth - this is another author I see many books of at the shops. This is the first time I've read one of her books. It was not the best book I've read, not the worst. It is a crime mystery. I did like the way the author incorporated the dead woman's voice into the storyline.

• NON-FICTION:

1. The House That Joy Built by Holly Ringland - oh my goodness how I adored this book. After a very full year, where I did experience burnout, this book was just what I needed to heal my connection to my own inner creativity. I ended the year with this book, and it was just perfect. Holly is also one of my favourite authors.

2. Inner Child Journeys: How Our Children Grow Us Up by Robin Grille - I believe that it is so important to do our own inner work, so that we can show up for our own children in the ways we wished we were treated as children. There is lots of good parenting research in here, inspiring advice and practices to help you heal from your own childhood. A very important book for everyone.

3. The Good Germans: Resisting the Nazis, 1933-1945 - my German grandparents and their families resisted the Nazis in their own ways. I always sat on the edge of my seat as a child, deeply enthralled by the stories they shared with me. I wanted to research more in the German resistance of WWII, this provided me with a historical account of 6 individuals who did their best to stand up for what was right.

4. Breath: The New Science of a Lost Art by James Nestor - this book blew my mind. I was constantly sharing what I was reading with my husband. This book has the potential to change many lives, especially those that don't sleep well. Plus it delved into how harmful mouth breathing was, and how to fix it.

5. The Darkness Manifesto by Johan Eklof - recommended as a 'must read' by a guest on my podcast. I was shocked to learn how entire species of insects and animals are becoming extinct because of humans and artificial light. Street lamps, solar lights in your garden at night, porch lights are all killing various animals that are crucial to our ecosystem. This is another area of our modern that we need to re-think if we are to save this planet.

6. It Didn't Start With You by Mark Wolynn - I loved the research parts of this book because I'm a big nerd when it comes to psychology and trauma. It fascinates me to no end. At the same time, I didn't so much resonate with the practical healing examples given. To each their own, I took what resonated and left the rest.

7. How to Do The Work by Dr Nicole LePera - I was late to the reading of this book. However, it aligned very much with my own values, so I enjoyed reading it. Most of the information wasn't new to me. It more affirmed what I already knew. Still, I would highly recommend this to everyone.

8. The Body Keeps the Score by Bessel van der Kolk - this is a dense book, and my version has tiny writing. So it did take me longer than usual to get through. I paused, highlighted, wrote notes and reflected. This book has such crucial information that is relevant to all humans, and one I believe everyone needs to read.

9. The Myth of Normal by Gabor Mate - a truly brilliant work of research. One of my top books of 2023. All I'm going to say is: READ. IT!

Bringing Awareness & Accountability to Everyday Traumatic Experiences

Many years ago, my eldest son went to swimming lessons. There were a few instructors that were amazing with the children. Unfortunately, one day we turned up and witnessed an instructor from another class causing trauma to a 3 year old. I stood in shock as I witnessed this swim instructor hold this terrified little girl on her back in the middle of the pool.

Even worse, she was yelling at this child "shush be quiet, you're making a big deal of nothing. Your crying is not allowed. I will not take you back to the edge of the pool until you do this back float. So get over it and stop crying."

My son was frozen in place as he observed the events unfolding, "I never want her as a swimming instructor, she's really mean."

I replied, "Don't worry, if any swim instructor does anything either of us is unwilling for, I will pull you out of the pool immediately."

Over the next few weeks I observed her in similar acts that contributed to trauma for various children.

A few weeks later, we turned up to lessons, and my son's usual swim instructor was away.

Guess who was there instead?

Yes, that same woman who traumatised that little girl, and countless other children.

I told the receptionist that my son would not be participating in her class. She asked me why, and I told her what I had observed.

She then started gaslighting me, that I had misinterpreted what I saw, and they would never allow an instructor to do that.

I unenrolled my son from that swim school altogether.

Fast forward several years:

For the past couple of weeks, I have been observing my 7 year old as he starts swimming lessons for the first time in his life. Up until recently, he wasn't allowed into a pool because of a previous life-threatening medical condition.

After everything that occurred with our previous traumatising experiences with swimming lessons, we chose a different swim school.

I made sure that I observed each of my children's swim instructors before enrolling them into lessons.

They both treated the children in their class with respect and compassion.

However, again I observed this other swim instructor teaching the class next to my son, doing something to a child that might cause stress.

Last week, this little boy didn't feel comfortable doing some of the activities.

She replied to him in a harsh voice "You are not allowed to say no, in my class. You have to do everything I tell you. Do not say no to me again!"

She then proceeded to force him to do all activities, including putting his head under water, and floating on his back.

I left feeling dread and sadness.

This week, I sat and observed a similar unfolding of events.

This same swim instructor held another little boy in the middle of the pool, in tears as he squirmed to get away.

She raised her voice, "I said you will do a back float, and you will do it without tears. Here hold this ball while you float." She roughly thrust a small ball into his arms.

He cried more, his body becoming heavy with the ragged heaves of terror.

She finally moved him back to the edge of the pool in disgust.

The little boys mother, reached out her hands and invited her child to come out of the pool into her comforting embrace.

The swim instructor looked on, "he's being very difficulty today. Remember I don't allow noes in my class."

The mother looked uncomfortable. She took her son over to the other edge of the pool, squatted down to his level and tried to talk to him. By this stage her son felt so unsafe, he entered flight mode and started to kick her. She remained calm, squatting next to him.

A few moments later, she stood, walked back to their belongings, picked them up and took her son home. Her son had been in the water less than 10 minutes.

While this was all occurring, I watched as a similar thing was unfolding in my son's swim class, only a few metres away, with a little girl.

This little girl was crying and stating she wasn't ready to do the activity.

The swim instructor held that little girl lovingly in her arms, hugging her, listening and comforting her.

The little girl looked up at her after shedding some tears, smiled and said she was ready to kick across the pool.

How very similar these children behaved, and how very different these swim instructors responded.

The little girl from years ago, and the little boys from the swim classes last week and this week, would have left those classes feeling traumatised, stressed, overwhelmed, powerless, and helpless. It would not surprise me at all, if any or all of these children developed a fear of swimming or water in general.

Trauma-Inducing Systems

Our actions towards children can have severely traumatic impacts on their development, both in the present and sometimes decades into the future.

From my observations at swimming lessons, in the school system, child care centres, hospitals, dentists and most other areas of society, I can say with absolute certainty that traumatisation is running rampant.

Most of these places are not trauma-informed. Instead they create trauma.

These systems (education, medical, sporting, etc) not only exceedingly create traumatic experiences for children, they also hold no accountability for their role in the trauma they inflict on these children. Furthermore, they have no policies or practices in place to assist children who have been traumatised or stressed.

Is it any wonder, that childhood anxiety, depression and suicide continues to rise EVERY SINGLE YEAR?!?!

Being Trauma-Informed

One of my deepest passions, and lifelong missions is to create trauma-informed, safe, healing spaces for children.

I do that everyday with my Family Day Care I co-run with my husband.

I am a trauma-informed Counsellor, supporting many parents across the world. As a side note, many Psychologists, Counsellors, Doctors and other Professional Therapist are sadly NOT trauma-informed.

As of December, I will also be a Child-Centred Play Therapist, which is one of the rare therapies that is child-directed and so so so healing.

The purpose of this article is not only to share my experiences and observations, but also to bring awareness to people, events and circumstances that can lead a child to experiencing trauma.

When we think of 'trauma' many of us think of abuse, neglect, sexual harm, domestic violence, warzones, fatal accidents, death of a loved one. All of these are obviously traumatic and will involve healing.

However, there are also smaller, more everyday traumas. Dr Gabor Mate calls these small 't' traumas. These look like forcing children to do things against their will when safety is not an issues; school traumas such as bullying, yelling teachers, academic failure and comparison; being separated from a primary caregiver such as drop off at daycare; a child's needs not being met; punishments such as timeouts, smacking; plus more.

When we have more knowledge, then it offers us space to have more respectful, compassionate responses and practices that can avoid traumas and heal ones that are beyond our control, like school trauma.

Children are extremely intuitive, they can read the energy of us and other people quite well.

If your child is ever communicating with you that they don't like someone or don't want to participate in an activity, get curious.

It's a cultural norm for us to force children to do things, "but you always love coming;" "you'll get used to it;" "it's not that bad." All these invalidate what a child is feeling and thinking, and they will shutdown and become increasingly uncooperative.

We can offer them space and empathy.

Let them know that you are willing to listen to all that is coming up for them. Sometimes, it might be a matter of them being tired after a long day, have unmet needs like hunger, or accumulated feelings. In which case, meeting all of those needs means they will become cooperative again because it was never the person or activity that was the issue.

If on the other hand, it does relate to the person/activity, then it may be worth reflecting:

• what is the reason my child is resistant?

• can I remain curious and compassionate, to hear what my child is telling me? (note: not all children will talk about it, remember behaviour is also a form of communication)

• is there a way I can support my child with this by approaching the person to inform them of the concerns?

• does my child actually have to do this activity/interact with this person?

• can I source an alternative?

• would it be best to go elsewhere/find a new person?

If something doesn't feel right for you or your child, then generally it isn't.

Trust yourself.

Trust your child.

Choose what is best for both of you.

Even if that means going against your social or cultural norms.

Your child's wellbeing (physical, mental, spiritual, emotional, secure attachment) is the most important thing to their development.

If you need support on your parenting journey please feel free to reach out.

If your child is needing support, I offer Play Therapy in-person in Toowoomba or TelePlay sessions via Zoom.

So much love and compassion to any big feelings that have arisen for you as you have read this.

Remember, take what resonates, and leave the rest on this webpage.

Recommended Reading:

Healing Your Traumatised Child by Aletha Solter PhD

The Myth of Normal by Gabor Mate MD

The Body Keeps the Score by Bessel Van Der Kolk

Dental Visits & Healing Trauma

Recently, my youngest son had to get numerous fillings in his teeth over 4 dental visits. This is my child who has endured medical trauma due to a life-threatening medical condition he had for several years of his life. He has a strong fear of needles, understandably with the ridiculous amounts of blood tests and cannulas that pierced his arms.

Our usual dentist who he loves has been on maternity leave, and unfortunately, his teeth situation couldn't wait until she returned. So we went to a new dental practice. This dentist we found to be very judgmental, unsupportive and my son did not feel comfortable in her presence.

I then sourced another dental practice, and I am so glad I did.

We saw the dental hygienist, who is also the person that does children's fillings. She was nothing short of amazing. She was playful, respectful, patient and my son trusted her very quickly.

One of the things I learnt from this experience, was that as a society, we feel we need to justify everything. My son didn't need fillings because he has a poor diet, he has a very healthy diet. In this instance it was more a case of me having hyperemesis when I was pregnant with him and the crystals in his teeth didn't form properly because I was not getting enough nutrients as I was so sick and vomiting all the time.

The first dentist I saw blamed myself, and my son for the state of his teeth.

The oral hygienist on the other hand, said with compassion, "this is no one's fault. It is what it is. You don't need to justify anything to me."

This was one of the rare professionals I have found that is actually trauma-informed, and doesn't blame or shame.

In our first visit with her, she checked over my son's teeth, then she got out all the equipment she needed to use for the fillings in the following appointments. She showed us what she needed to do, using fun terms like "sleepy juice" "sugar bugs" "cake tins" and "drawing smiley faces on your teeth."

In the following appointments, she informed my son exactly what tools she was using and when; she told him to raise his left hand anytime he needed a rest; and she worked as quickly as she could.

She also spread out the visits so he didn't get "trauma fatigue" from all the dental interventions.

In a nutshell, she was supportive, she listened to feelings and she met my son's needs in anyway that she could.

We combined this with Aware Parenting practices, such as Attachment Play and listening to all the big feelings that arose with empathy. Some of the games we played was role playing dentists, where we took turns being the dentist and the patient. We threw in some nonsense play to make it silly and fun, as well as power-reversal play to counteract powerlessness, helplessness and overwhelm.

What started out sounding like a very traumatic experience, ended up being an experience that my son did not have to heal from. Yes, he did find some things uncomfortable like the local anaesthetic, dental tools in his mouth and the numbness afterwards. However, with the oral hygienist and myself working with him in trauma-informed and playful ways, he has no residual stress from 5 dental visits in less than 2 months.

The only thing he brings up now, is how much he disliked the first dentist and how glad he is we found someone he likes.

If you have the means to pick and choose from different medical professionals and to seek second and even third opinions, from my own personal experience, it is something I highly recommend.

If I'm honest, I am fussy with the people that I choose to work alongside for myself and my family. I will always go for the best fit for each of us, even if that means each of us goes to a different medical practices. Because having the right person for you, and for your child can make a world of difference to how things progress and the overall outcome.

If at any point along the journey, your child feels uncomfortable, you can speak up to that professional. If they don't respect you, or you feel judged, choose someone else. Remember, they are in service to you. You pay them for a service. If we go to the shops and purchase a faulty product, we can return it. The same is true for services.

If your child needs a medical procedure or has medical trauma already, please visit this article to see how to support yourself and your child.