Codename: Flame - Supporting Our Child Through Intense Feelings

As a parent and early childhood educator of over a decade, there are a few things I have observed in children, particularly those who are highly sensitive or who have special needs.

Sometimes, the “usual” approaches do not work, which can leave parents feeling like they are failures, there is something wrong with their child or that Aware Parenting doesn’t work for them. In complete honesty, I went through a period of time, where I thought "Aware Parenting works for every other child, except mine.” This was when I was already a certified Instructor too.

There is so much information I have to share around this, and something I am so passionate about.

One of the things that I have found very helpful is a codename.

My 10 year old son is highly sensitive, has an autism diagnosis, accumulates feelings quicker than “typical” children, and feels and expresses them more intensely.

This has looked like years of exhaustion, overwhelm, exasperation and powerlessness, as we navigate our son’s needs as he grows and develops.

Having practiced Aware Parenting since the moment he was born, he has always known that his feelings are accepted, and we love him always whether he is sad or mad.

A couple of months ago my son was experiencing a particular rough patch, he was really struggling with some intense feelings and he was often in a state of hyperarousal. He said to me, “I don’t know what’s wrong with me, why do I always do these hurtful things? I just don’t know what to do. I’m stupid!”

I felt heartbroken, and even writing this now, I can feel the tears coming to my eyes.

We chatted about bringing awareness into his body, when he feels himself headed to a hyperarousal state. What does sensations does he feel in his body? Do they have a colour or shape? Are they located somewhere in particular in his body? What does his body need to do in those moments?

We then came up with a codename because my son didn’t want to declare to the world “I’m struggling.” He wanted a word where only a select few people knew what it meant. My son chose FLAME. Whenever he says this word, it immediately alerts myself and my husband that he is really, really struggling right now, and he needs our loving support urgently.

Since we created this codename, he has used it 3 times. When he has been overwhelmed, distressed and upset. Each time my husband or I have gone to him, held space and accepted all his feelings.

Yesterday he said to me, “thank you for the codename idea, it really helps me let you know how much I’m struggling.”

My husband and I have also discovered that when our son uses this codename, it pulls us out of our own emotional activation, we may be experiencing in the moments we witness our son in hyperarousal. It quickly moves us into a state of pure compassion because we know our son never uses his codename unless it is urgent.

Do you resonate with codenames? Is this something you are willing to bring to your relationship with your child?

When we try the same thing over and over again with our child, without success, it doesn't mean we need to resort to more power-over actions and words.
Instead we can see it as an invitation to get creative, try a different approach, reach out for support.
Just because it's something that has not been done before, or something you know no one you know has tried, doesn't mean you can't try new things to improve the connection between yourself and your child.
To me, parenthood is about self-growth, evolution, healing, creativity, imagination, connection, awareness and re-awakening those things we may have forgotten: curiosity, compassion, wonder, awe, joy.

Are you needing extra support on your parenting journey? I offer 1:1 sessions to meet you wherever you are at on your parenting journey, to walk alongside you, to support you and your child through many challenges. These sessions are filled with unconditional acceptance, compassion, understanding and are trauma-informed.

Using Play for Challenging Times - As Featured on Your Zen Mama

This article was originally featured on Your Zen Mama.

Play probably seems like the last thing you would think to do when your child is being uncooperative and resistant. However, when your child is behaving in ways that have you wanting to pull your hair out, play might be just the thing to help both of you through that moment. 

When a child is acting aggressively (hitting or biting), it is because something is going on for them in that moment, and they are communicating the best way they know how; through their undesirable behaviour. In those moments, our children are disconnected from themselves and also from us. In those moments, our children are disconnected, from themselves and also from us. We can move in to repair that connection through play.

Play – especially the nonsense, silly kind – elicits laughter. Laughter releases stress, fears and anxieties from the body, promotes connection, and counteracts feelings of powerlessness and lack of control. “Laughter is the best medicine” may sound like an overused cliché, however, it is one of the most powerful gifts we can give to our children, and to ourselves.

I mean just think, would you rather yell, timeout and continue feeling frazzled when your child refuses to listen? Or would you rather have fun, laugh and bring so much joy to this moment with your child?

Also, important to note: No, play does not “reward” your child’s uncooperative behaviour. Our children generally only misbehave when they are struggling, so if we see our child as having a moment of struggle, we can offer more compassion, empathy and understanding to them and what they are experiencing. 

We use play to re-build the connection, re-build the trust and re-build the relationship so that our children can process what is going on for them, and with play we are doing it in a respectful way that doesn’t diminish what they are going through.

When children feel connected to themselves and us, as their parents, they are more cooperative, and we can go about continuing our day with our cups full.

Here are four of my favourite games to play with your child for those challenging and uncooperative times:

1.Getting out the door in the morning rush:

Do you ever have those moments were you just need to get out the door and your child resists you every step of the way?

There’s a power struggle, you both end of screaming at each other, you both become more worked up and the rest of the day just seems miserable. Sound familiar? Well, the good news is, is that you have the power to turn the entire situation around.

One of the games that my children and I love playing for this tricky time is:

“The Door Won’t Let Me Leave”
This game basically involves you attempting to walk through the door, but for some reason you just can’t seem to step out the door. It’s like there is a forcefield preventing you from leaving.

As you feebly try to exit your house, you can say things like:

“I don’t understand, why can’t I get through”

“What’s going on?”

“Come on door please let me through, please???”

You can add some pretend shoulders to the door way, as you pretend to barge your way out. Listen to your child’s laughter, where the laughter is, follow it. It may get to the point where your child is so over your incompetence that they can just walk through the doorway, leaving you inside “What!? How did you do that, why can’t I get out?”

Basically, you pretend to be really baffled, confused and powerless as to why you can’t get out the door, and maybe your child can. This will release all the feelings about rushing out the door, going to an appointment and the resistance that goes with that. And by all means, add yours and your child’s own flare to the game. Make it yours.

2.Lashing out at others
Does your child tend to lash out at others – hitting, kicking, pushing, bickering?

When our children act out, it is because they are disconnected from themselves and from those they love. They feel powerless, and to counteract that powerlessness they lash out at others. So, when you see your child in this state, punishments and time outs will actually further disconnect them and exacerbate the problem.

If you want to know what the neuroscience says, here is a brief explanation:

The emotional turmoil that we feel comes from our “downstairs” brain, and our rational thinking comes from our “upstairs” brain. When children are acting out, it is because their upstairs brain is no longer connected, so to speak, and the best way to reconnect it, so that they can think before they act, is to offer love, acceptance and compassion. That’s why play and laughter is so effective, because your child will feel connected to you, safe, loved and will make better choices.

“The Love Monster”
You know those times where your otherwise lovingly, cooperative child becomes aggressive, irritable and starts taking it out on other people or other things? Well, those times are where the Love Monster works its magic.

When you notice your child acting in an aggressive way, you can move in as a clumsy, awkward Love Monster, whose sole purpose is to spread love to children who are angry, frustrated and disconnected. To do this you can say to your child “Do I see a child who needs some more love?” Then you can move in to your child clumsily saying “I must hug you, you need more love.” Your child will probably want to run away and you can bumble along behind them saying “you need more love.” Once you get to your child shower them with hugs and “I love you.” If they get away, “hey where did you go, you still need more love.” Your child will laugh and giggle. Once you notice them relax, you know the work of the Love Monster has succeeded.

3.Homework
Getting your child to do their schoolwork/homework can be an all-out battle between the 2 of you. You nag your child to do the work, they become resistant, an argument ensues, you get the picture.

Sometimes our children are resistant because they don’t want to mess up or get it wrong, they feel incompetent and stressed about the expectations placed upon them.

The game that I recommend for these times, first occurred for me spontaneously when I was a parent helper at my son’s school literacy groups. I was assigned the group that had my son plus 3 other children, all bright readers. One of the children was known to be uncooperative, distracting to the other children and also fidgety. The teacher said he would take this child off my hands because he was “difficult.” I replied that this child could stay here with the rest of his reading group and that I could handle anything that came up. The teacher looked at me doubtfully.

Well, that child was “difficult,” he was rocking in his chair, refusing to participate and not listening. So, I turned it into a game, he found it hilarious, read the book fluently and paid attention for the rest of the literacy group.

“I Can’t Read”
Sit next to your child at the table where they are refusing to do their schoolwork, or maybe they are having trouble completing it because it’s “too hard.” Pick up the book or worksheet upside down “wow this is tricky, I’m finding it really difficult to understand this.” You can even try reading the words backwards. Your child will either start laughing, or look at you like you’re a complete moron. They may say “Mum you’re holding the paper upside down” or “you know how to read.” You could reply with “oh silly me” or “hmm I don’t know what happened, one minute I could read and now…what am I going to do” (said in a dramatic voice) or “I can read see” and you proceed to continue reading the words backwards so you are speaking gibberish. Basically, you’re being mock silly, incompetent and incapable of doing their schoolwork. Your child will laugh, possibly call you a loser (or similar) and then try and correct you.

When they get to the correction page, you can either pretend you are still struggling or say “wow how did you know all that, I didn’t have a clue.”

This game is all about making your child feel powerful in a powerless situation. You are in essence acting out their feelings of incompetence.

4.Sibling rivalry
Siblings have one of the most beautiful relationship bonds. However, there are times when conflicts mount, and things can become volatile. Reflecting back on my own childhood with my siblings, we definitely had our arguments, our screaming matches, it didn’t get physical though.

My two boys on the other hand, can go from comrades to enemies faster than you can blink an eye, and their arguments can be explosive and physical. One of the things I have found works wonders at restoring their connection, and assisting in the negotiation stage later, is play. As well as promoting connection, play also helps release some of the accumulated stress and other big feelings children experience that causes them to lash out in the first place. To counteract sibling rivalry, presenting an invitation for them to work cooperatively together in a playful way can restore cooperation and the sibling bond.

“The Sneaky Elf”
When children are fighting, the sneaky elf (AKA the parent/carer) comes in and cheekily removes an item the children are arguing about, in a mock gloating voice you can say “hehehe I got it and it’s all mine.” Then you run away, you can trip and fall, and act like a very clumsy elf. Your children catch up with you and a wrestling match ensues, where the children need to work together to get back their treasure from the sneaky elf. The elf can act determined that it will never be beaten but the children always win, then the elf is mock sad or mock angry. There is lots of laughter, power-reversal (with the adult in the weaker, incompetent role), nonsense, silliness and fun.

Every time I have played this little game with children, their cooperation and connection is restored to each other, they know that there is a safe and trusted adult there to support them, and they are more likely to cooperate and negotiate through the big feelings that led to the disagreement.

I have found the best types of play involves us being so silly and bumbling, that not only do our children laugh, but we laugh too. Meaning play is therapy for both child and parent. When we put ourselves in the incompetent, powerless roles, we empower our children and counteract any feelings of powerlessness they may have in relation to everything in their lives.

Remember, when children feel connected to themselves and us, they are more cooperative, compassionate, respectful and loving.

The next time you are struggling with one of the above scenarios, I invite you to try play instead. You might just find it is the game-changer you need in your life.

Get creative, follow your child’s laughter, and have fun inventing games that have you both in stitches.

Spirited Hearts™ TOP 15 Books for Parents

This is not your regular list of “parenting” books. In keeping things holistic, I have gathered the books I believe are most helpful to the various different aspects of parenting; from challenges that arise, why children need to play more, and parents working through all their own childhood traumas and stress.

The reason it is important to not only focus on books about tantrums, sleep struggles and difficult toddlers, is because our journey as parents, is much more about us, than it is our children.

After spending close to two decades researching, studying, and working with children and parents, the biggest changes that occur in families, is when parents take accountability for what is theirs, work through it with compassionate support and walk hand-in-hand with their child with an emotional load that is a lot less. This also means that we can compassionately reduce intergenerational trauma and stress, so that we not only feel better, but our children grow into adults that have little need to heal from their own childhoods.

So, without further ado, here are the books I would highly recommend to parents (there are many more books I could definitely suggest, and I was very intentional in the selection of these fifteen).

 

The BEST Book (if you only read one book on this list, make it this one!)

Raising Resilient & Compassionate Children by Lael Stone & Marion Rose PhD

This without a doubt the best book I have ever read, and my absolute favourite. This book is filled with so much compassion and empathy, that I have never witnessed in another book before. This book addresses common parenting challenges, as well as invites us to look into healing our own childhood hurts and trauma. With beautiful invitations to help us explore ourselves, and reminders for self-compassion on our journeys as parents, this book goes above and beyond any book on parenting you have ever read.

Want to hear Lael’s story? Listen here on my podcast.

Want to hear more from Marion? Listen here on my podcast.

Best Books for Parents-to-Be or Parents of Children under 2 years old

The Aware Baby by Aletha Solter PhD

I first read this book 10 years ago, when I was pregnant with my first child and it had the biggest impact on me as I entered parenthood. After spending my years at university studying my passion for child development, I already had intentions for what I needed parenting to look like for me. I never imagined that a book already existed that met those intentions, plus so much more. This book has always been ahead of its time, first published in 1984 and revised in 2001.This book covers everything you need to know about parenting babies and toddlers. There are also self-reflection questions throughout the book, that have the potential to take your parenting and life, to the next level.

Best Book for Parents of Children Aged 2-8 years old

Cooperative & Connected by Aletha Solter PhD

Written by the same author as the book above, this is the book I would highly recommend for parenting during the early. With an easy-to-follow layout, filled with scientific studies, knowledge and personal stories, this book covers everything. From tears and tantrum, fears and conflicts, plus so much more.

Best Book to Help Children Heal from Trauma & Stress

Healing Your Traumatized Child by Aletha Solter PhD

Only released in 2022, this book is my favourite by Aletha. I have such a passion for child development and trauma, and this combines both. It’s a small book that is extremely powerful at detailing the science behind trauma, understanding our body’s natural healing mechanism and the ways that we can support our children (and ourself) to release trauma and stress from the body. This is a must read for every person who spends time with children.

Best Book to Bring More Play into the Parent-Child Relationship

Playful Parenting by Lawrence J Cohen PhD

Bringing play to your life as a parent is one of the biggest game-changers you can make. When I first started using play with my children, it felt so foreign and uncomfortable to me. However, over the years I have grown to love it. Is your child hitting? Play will help. Is your child struggling at bedtime? Play will help. Is your child refusing to eat dinner? Play will help. Seriously, I have not yet come across a parenting challenge that play doesn’t help in some form or another. This book is such an easy read, with so many fun and playful examples for all the challenging behaviour your child may throw at you.

You can read my article on this wonderful book here.

Best Parenting Book that Covers it All

Listen by Patty Wipfler & Tosha Schore

If you are after a quick reference book, that you don’t need to read cover-to-cover, this book might be the one for you. Covering the tools pioneered by Patty Wipfler, founder of Hand in Hand Parenting, this book details all the different ways you can meet your child’s needs, listen to their feelings and bring play to challenging situations.

Want to hear Tosha’s share her knowledge and wisdom? Listen here on my podcast.

Best Book on Improving Your Communication Skills

Nonviolent Communication by Marshall Rosenberg PhD

I absolutely love Nonviolent Communication (NVC), this language is truly world changing, and can be so easily implemented in your family. In a culture that focuses on shame, blame and guilt, which leads to stress and trauma, this method of communication has the capacity to heal all relationships. With powerful examples, Marshall has proven the effective of NVC in politics, warring nations, amongst prisoners and in families. This is a book I am so willing to see in every single household, school and workplace.

Best Book for Highly Sensitive Children

The Highly Sensitive Person by Elaine Aron PhD

High sensitivity is a genetic trait and there are approximately 15-20% of the population that are highly sensitive – myself and most members of my family included. Life can feel overwhelming, loud and hectic when you are highly sensitive, and for a child it can be that much more challenging, especially if the people around him/her do not understand high sensitivity. Elaine’s first book The Highly Sensitive Person (HSP) is also a book I would recommend if you feel like you might be highly sensitive, there is a short quiz at the beginning of both books which can help guide you. Due to it being genetic, high sensitivity is a basic human need that is often overlooked as adults attempt to shape and control children, and HSPs to fit into a society that tends to value other traits. This book can assist you in understanding, as well as normalising your child and/or yourself if either of you are highly sensitive.

Best Books for Maintaining Strong Relationships with Your Child/ren

Hold On to Your Kids by Dr Gabor Mate & Dr Gorden Neufeld

This is a book I would definitely recommend to all parents, particularly those whose children go to school. The overall message of the book is that children are more peer-oriented than ever, which has affected society as a whole. Children need to have safe adults in their life, who have the maturity to support, nurture and hold space for them, all things that cannot be adequately provided by their peers. This book is a wealth of knowledge, research and dedication to supporting the raising of health, well-adapted children.

Raising Our Children, Raising Ourselves by Naomi Aldort

I read this many many years ago. This book can really elevate ourselves as the parents we desire to be. It explores ways of being with our children that allow them to be authentically who they are and respect their free will as fellow human beings. It helps us understand the need for children to stay in alignment with their own needs and feelings, in a parent-child relationship filled with unconditional love and understanding.

Unconditional Parenting by Alfie Kohn

I love all the work Alfie Kohn puts into the world, it is revolutionary and so needed. This book changes the way parents think, feel and act with their children. It removes the “conditions” of parenting with rewards and punishments, and leaves you with an unconditional parent-child relationship filled with love, empathy, compassion and respect. It has the potential to change our relationships with our children, as well as the relationship we have with ourselves.

It’s OK NOT to Share…and Other Renegade Rules for Raising Competent and Compassionate Kids by Heather Shumaker

I love the defiance in this book, and going against what is deemed “normal.” This book really challenges you to question the purpose, intent and benefits of so many aspects of what society burdens on children and parents. There is a growing movement of parents, educators and teachers who are squashing social norms, and instead putting the needs and feelings of children at the forefront. A book for parents who love to think and be outside the box.

Best Books for Play & Nature

Balanced & Barefoot by Angela Hanscom

One of my favourite books, Angela presents so much wisdom knowledge and insight into why our children are struggling in the 21st century. With research comparing children from the 1980s to today, there is a stark and heartbreaking contrast to the lack of strength and vitality children today possess. The solution is simple: give children more child-centred play outdoors in nature, away from adult direction. The studies, and looking back at our own childhoods prove, that this is the way forward.

Want to hear more of Angela’s insights as a Paediatric Occupational Therpist? Listen here on my podcast.

 

Last Child in the Woods by Richard Louv

Our children are really struggling in today’s society, due mainly to a large shift in lifestyle. Being indoors and sedentary has negatively impacted all areas of healthy child development. The author clearly, and beautifully redirects us back to our own nature-filled childhoods, as the solution. Giving children more time outdoors, at home and at school, can change their life for the better and improve their overall wellbeing.

Free to Learn by Peter Gray

This is one of the most recommended books by guest on Spirited Hearts™ the podcast, and for very good reason. This delves into the history of the education system, why it hasn’t served the wellbeing of children for centuries, and other ways we can allow our children to truly thrive, develop and learn in ways that are meaningful for them. Parents have an extremely powerful voice in their child’s education, and all it takes is one conversation to make tiny changes. Maybe those changes won’t happen immediately, but it plants the seeds for making this world much better for our children.

What are your thoughts and feelings on this list? Have you read any of these books?

Do you have a favourite book you would recommend to parents? Leave a comment below.

How to Choose the Best Daycare & Help Your Child With Separation Anxiety

Are you having trouble deciding which daycare would best suit your child and family?

Are you concerned or are you struggling with how to help your child with separation anxiety?

I sat down with Helena Mooney from Parenting With Play and chatted about the answers to these questions plus so much more.

You can find the episode on your Podcast app by searching for “Parenting With Play” or you can click HERE and listen through Helena’s website.

This podcast is one of my favourites and I’m sure you will find so much wisdom in all the other episodes as well.

Happy listening.

Love & Gratitude,

Steph xx

Aware Parenting & Homeschooling

Yesterday, I had the pleasure of having my second conversation on my dear friend and mentor, Marion Rose’s Podcast.

We chatted about Aware Parenting, Homeschooling, High Sensitivity as children and parents, and so much more.

To hear this conversation, please CLICK HERE.

Feel free to leave your thoughts and feelings in the comments below afterwards.

Much Gratitude,

Steph