Using Play for Challenging Times - As Featured on Your Zen Mama

This article was originally featured on Your Zen Mama.

Play probably seems like the last thing you would think to do when your child is being uncooperative and resistant. However, when your child is behaving in ways that have you wanting to pull your hair out, play might be just the thing to help both of you through that moment. 

When a child is acting aggressively (hitting or biting), it is because something is going on for them in that moment, and they are communicating the best way they know how; through their undesirable behaviour. In those moments, our children are disconnected from themselves and also from us. In those moments, our children are disconnected, from themselves and also from us. We can move in to repair that connection through play.

Play – especially the nonsense, silly kind – elicits laughter. Laughter releases stress, fears and anxieties from the body, promotes connection, and counteracts feelings of powerlessness and lack of control. “Laughter is the best medicine” may sound like an overused cliché, however, it is one of the most powerful gifts we can give to our children, and to ourselves.

I mean just think, would you rather yell, timeout and continue feeling frazzled when your child refuses to listen? Or would you rather have fun, laugh and bring so much joy to this moment with your child?

Also, important to note: No, play does not “reward” your child’s uncooperative behaviour. Our children generally only misbehave when they are struggling, so if we see our child as having a moment of struggle, we can offer more compassion, empathy and understanding to them and what they are experiencing. 

We use play to re-build the connection, re-build the trust and re-build the relationship so that our children can process what is going on for them, and with play we are doing it in a respectful way that doesn’t diminish what they are going through.

When children feel connected to themselves and us, as their parents, they are more cooperative, and we can go about continuing our day with our cups full.

Here are four of my favourite games to play with your child for those challenging and uncooperative times:

1.Getting out the door in the morning rush:

Do you ever have those moments were you just need to get out the door and your child resists you every step of the way?

There’s a power struggle, you both end of screaming at each other, you both become more worked up and the rest of the day just seems miserable. Sound familiar? Well, the good news is, is that you have the power to turn the entire situation around.

One of the games that my children and I love playing for this tricky time is:

“The Door Won’t Let Me Leave”
This game basically involves you attempting to walk through the door, but for some reason you just can’t seem to step out the door. It’s like there is a forcefield preventing you from leaving.

As you feebly try to exit your house, you can say things like:

“I don’t understand, why can’t I get through”

“What’s going on?”

“Come on door please let me through, please???”

You can add some pretend shoulders to the door way, as you pretend to barge your way out. Listen to your child’s laughter, where the laughter is, follow it. It may get to the point where your child is so over your incompetence that they can just walk through the doorway, leaving you inside “What!? How did you do that, why can’t I get out?”

Basically, you pretend to be really baffled, confused and powerless as to why you can’t get out the door, and maybe your child can. This will release all the feelings about rushing out the door, going to an appointment and the resistance that goes with that. And by all means, add yours and your child’s own flare to the game. Make it yours.

2.Lashing out at others
Does your child tend to lash out at others – hitting, kicking, pushing, bickering?

When our children act out, it is because they are disconnected from themselves and from those they love. They feel powerless, and to counteract that powerlessness they lash out at others. So, when you see your child in this state, punishments and time outs will actually further disconnect them and exacerbate the problem.

If you want to know what the neuroscience says, here is a brief explanation:

The emotional turmoil that we feel comes from our “downstairs” brain, and our rational thinking comes from our “upstairs” brain. When children are acting out, it is because their upstairs brain is no longer connected, so to speak, and the best way to reconnect it, so that they can think before they act, is to offer love, acceptance and compassion. That’s why play and laughter is so effective, because your child will feel connected to you, safe, loved and will make better choices.

“The Love Monster”
You know those times where your otherwise lovingly, cooperative child becomes aggressive, irritable and starts taking it out on other people or other things? Well, those times are where the Love Monster works its magic.

When you notice your child acting in an aggressive way, you can move in as a clumsy, awkward Love Monster, whose sole purpose is to spread love to children who are angry, frustrated and disconnected. To do this you can say to your child “Do I see a child who needs some more love?” Then you can move in to your child clumsily saying “I must hug you, you need more love.” Your child will probably want to run away and you can bumble along behind them saying “you need more love.” Once you get to your child shower them with hugs and “I love you.” If they get away, “hey where did you go, you still need more love.” Your child will laugh and giggle. Once you notice them relax, you know the work of the Love Monster has succeeded.

3.Homework
Getting your child to do their schoolwork/homework can be an all-out battle between the 2 of you. You nag your child to do the work, they become resistant, an argument ensues, you get the picture.

Sometimes our children are resistant because they don’t want to mess up or get it wrong, they feel incompetent and stressed about the expectations placed upon them.

The game that I recommend for these times, first occurred for me spontaneously when I was a parent helper at my son’s school literacy groups. I was assigned the group that had my son plus 3 other children, all bright readers. One of the children was known to be uncooperative, distracting to the other children and also fidgety. The teacher said he would take this child off my hands because he was “difficult.” I replied that this child could stay here with the rest of his reading group and that I could handle anything that came up. The teacher looked at me doubtfully.

Well, that child was “difficult,” he was rocking in his chair, refusing to participate and not listening. So, I turned it into a game, he found it hilarious, read the book fluently and paid attention for the rest of the literacy group.

“I Can’t Read”
Sit next to your child at the table where they are refusing to do their schoolwork, or maybe they are having trouble completing it because it’s “too hard.” Pick up the book or worksheet upside down “wow this is tricky, I’m finding it really difficult to understand this.” You can even try reading the words backwards. Your child will either start laughing, or look at you like you’re a complete moron. They may say “Mum you’re holding the paper upside down” or “you know how to read.” You could reply with “oh silly me” or “hmm I don’t know what happened, one minute I could read and now…what am I going to do” (said in a dramatic voice) or “I can read see” and you proceed to continue reading the words backwards so you are speaking gibberish. Basically, you’re being mock silly, incompetent and incapable of doing their schoolwork. Your child will laugh, possibly call you a loser (or similar) and then try and correct you.

When they get to the correction page, you can either pretend you are still struggling or say “wow how did you know all that, I didn’t have a clue.”

This game is all about making your child feel powerful in a powerless situation. You are in essence acting out their feelings of incompetence.

4.Sibling rivalry
Siblings have one of the most beautiful relationship bonds. However, there are times when conflicts mount, and things can become volatile. Reflecting back on my own childhood with my siblings, we definitely had our arguments, our screaming matches, it didn’t get physical though.

My two boys on the other hand, can go from comrades to enemies faster than you can blink an eye, and their arguments can be explosive and physical. One of the things I have found works wonders at restoring their connection, and assisting in the negotiation stage later, is play. As well as promoting connection, play also helps release some of the accumulated stress and other big feelings children experience that causes them to lash out in the first place. To counteract sibling rivalry, presenting an invitation for them to work cooperatively together in a playful way can restore cooperation and the sibling bond.

“The Sneaky Elf”
When children are fighting, the sneaky elf (AKA the parent/carer) comes in and cheekily removes an item the children are arguing about, in a mock gloating voice you can say “hehehe I got it and it’s all mine.” Then you run away, you can trip and fall, and act like a very clumsy elf. Your children catch up with you and a wrestling match ensues, where the children need to work together to get back their treasure from the sneaky elf. The elf can act determined that it will never be beaten but the children always win, then the elf is mock sad or mock angry. There is lots of laughter, power-reversal (with the adult in the weaker, incompetent role), nonsense, silliness and fun.

Every time I have played this little game with children, their cooperation and connection is restored to each other, they know that there is a safe and trusted adult there to support them, and they are more likely to cooperate and negotiate through the big feelings that led to the disagreement.

I have found the best types of play involves us being so silly and bumbling, that not only do our children laugh, but we laugh too. Meaning play is therapy for both child and parent. When we put ourselves in the incompetent, powerless roles, we empower our children and counteract any feelings of powerlessness they may have in relation to everything in their lives.

Remember, when children feel connected to themselves and us, they are more cooperative, compassionate, respectful and loving.

The next time you are struggling with one of the above scenarios, I invite you to try play instead. You might just find it is the game-changer you need in your life.

Get creative, follow your child’s laughter, and have fun inventing games that have you both in stitches.

Spirited Hearts™ TOP 15 Books for Parents

This is not your regular list of “parenting” books. In keeping things holistic, I have gathered the books I believe are most helpful to the various different aspects of parenting; from challenges that arise, why children need to play more, and parents working through all their own childhood traumas and stress.

The reason it is important to not only focus on books about tantrums, sleep struggles and difficult toddlers, is because our journey as parents, is much more about us, than it is our children.

After spending close to two decades researching, studying, and working with children and parents, the biggest changes that occur in families, is when parents take accountability for what is theirs, work through it with compassionate support and walk hand-in-hand with their child with an emotional load that is a lot less. This also means that we can compassionately reduce intergenerational trauma and stress, so that we not only feel better, but our children grow into adults that have little need to heal from their own childhoods.

So, without further ado, here are the books I would highly recommend to parents (there are many more books I could definitely suggest, and I was very intentional in the selection of these fifteen).

 

The BEST Book (if you only read one book on this list, make it this one!)

Raising Resilient & Compassionate Children by Lael Stone & Marion Rose PhD

This without a doubt the best book I have ever read, and my absolute favourite. This book is filled with so much compassion and empathy, that I have never witnessed in another book before. This book addresses common parenting challenges, as well as invites us to look into healing our own childhood hurts and trauma. With beautiful invitations to help us explore ourselves, and reminders for self-compassion on our journeys as parents, this book goes above and beyond any book on parenting you have ever read.

Want to hear Lael’s story? Listen here on my podcast.

Want to hear more from Marion? Listen here on my podcast.

Best Books for Parents-to-Be or Parents of Children under 2 years old

The Aware Baby by Aletha Solter PhD

I first read this book 10 years ago, when I was pregnant with my first child and it had the biggest impact on me as I entered parenthood. After spending my years at university studying my passion for child development, I already had intentions for what I needed parenting to look like for me. I never imagined that a book already existed that met those intentions, plus so much more. This book has always been ahead of its time, first published in 1984 and revised in 2001.This book covers everything you need to know about parenting babies and toddlers. There are also self-reflection questions throughout the book, that have the potential to take your parenting and life, to the next level.

Best Book for Parents of Children Aged 2-8 years old

Cooperative & Connected by Aletha Solter PhD

Written by the same author as the book above, this is the book I would highly recommend for parenting during the early. With an easy-to-follow layout, filled with scientific studies, knowledge and personal stories, this book covers everything. From tears and tantrum, fears and conflicts, plus so much more.

Best Book to Help Children Heal from Trauma & Stress

Healing Your Traumatized Child by Aletha Solter PhD

Only released in 2022, this book is my favourite by Aletha. I have such a passion for child development and trauma, and this combines both. It’s a small book that is extremely powerful at detailing the science behind trauma, understanding our body’s natural healing mechanism and the ways that we can support our children (and ourself) to release trauma and stress from the body. This is a must read for every person who spends time with children.

Best Book to Bring More Play into the Parent-Child Relationship

Playful Parenting by Lawrence J Cohen PhD

Bringing play to your life as a parent is one of the biggest game-changers you can make. When I first started using play with my children, it felt so foreign and uncomfortable to me. However, over the years I have grown to love it. Is your child hitting? Play will help. Is your child struggling at bedtime? Play will help. Is your child refusing to eat dinner? Play will help. Seriously, I have not yet come across a parenting challenge that play doesn’t help in some form or another. This book is such an easy read, with so many fun and playful examples for all the challenging behaviour your child may throw at you.

You can read my article on this wonderful book here.

Best Parenting Book that Covers it All

Listen by Patty Wipfler & Tosha Schore

If you are after a quick reference book, that you don’t need to read cover-to-cover, this book might be the one for you. Covering the tools pioneered by Patty Wipfler, founder of Hand in Hand Parenting, this book details all the different ways you can meet your child’s needs, listen to their feelings and bring play to challenging situations.

Want to hear Tosha’s share her knowledge and wisdom? Listen here on my podcast.

Best Book on Improving Your Communication Skills

Nonviolent Communication by Marshall Rosenberg PhD

I absolutely love Nonviolent Communication (NVC), this language is truly world changing, and can be so easily implemented in your family. In a culture that focuses on shame, blame and guilt, which leads to stress and trauma, this method of communication has the capacity to heal all relationships. With powerful examples, Marshall has proven the effective of NVC in politics, warring nations, amongst prisoners and in families. This is a book I am so willing to see in every single household, school and workplace.

Best Book for Highly Sensitive Children

The Highly Sensitive Person by Elaine Aron PhD

High sensitivity is a genetic trait and there are approximately 15-20% of the population that are highly sensitive – myself and most members of my family included. Life can feel overwhelming, loud and hectic when you are highly sensitive, and for a child it can be that much more challenging, especially if the people around him/her do not understand high sensitivity. Elaine’s first book The Highly Sensitive Person (HSP) is also a book I would recommend if you feel like you might be highly sensitive, there is a short quiz at the beginning of both books which can help guide you. Due to it being genetic, high sensitivity is a basic human need that is often overlooked as adults attempt to shape and control children, and HSPs to fit into a society that tends to value other traits. This book can assist you in understanding, as well as normalising your child and/or yourself if either of you are highly sensitive.

Best Books for Maintaining Strong Relationships with Your Child/ren

Hold On to Your Kids by Dr Gabor Mate & Dr Gorden Neufeld

This is a book I would definitely recommend to all parents, particularly those whose children go to school. The overall message of the book is that children are more peer-oriented than ever, which has affected society as a whole. Children need to have safe adults in their life, who have the maturity to support, nurture and hold space for them, all things that cannot be adequately provided by their peers. This book is a wealth of knowledge, research and dedication to supporting the raising of health, well-adapted children.

Raising Our Children, Raising Ourselves by Naomi Aldort

I read this many many years ago. This book can really elevate ourselves as the parents we desire to be. It explores ways of being with our children that allow them to be authentically who they are and respect their free will as fellow human beings. It helps us understand the need for children to stay in alignment with their own needs and feelings, in a parent-child relationship filled with unconditional love and understanding.

Unconditional Parenting by Alfie Kohn

I love all the work Alfie Kohn puts into the world, it is revolutionary and so needed. This book changes the way parents think, feel and act with their children. It removes the “conditions” of parenting with rewards and punishments, and leaves you with an unconditional parent-child relationship filled with love, empathy, compassion and respect. It has the potential to change our relationships with our children, as well as the relationship we have with ourselves.

It’s OK NOT to Share…and Other Renegade Rules for Raising Competent and Compassionate Kids by Heather Shumaker

I love the defiance in this book, and going against what is deemed “normal.” This book really challenges you to question the purpose, intent and benefits of so many aspects of what society burdens on children and parents. There is a growing movement of parents, educators and teachers who are squashing social norms, and instead putting the needs and feelings of children at the forefront. A book for parents who love to think and be outside the box.

Best Books for Play & Nature

Balanced & Barefoot by Angela Hanscom

One of my favourite books, Angela presents so much wisdom knowledge and insight into why our children are struggling in the 21st century. With research comparing children from the 1980s to today, there is a stark and heartbreaking contrast to the lack of strength and vitality children today possess. The solution is simple: give children more child-centred play outdoors in nature, away from adult direction. The studies, and looking back at our own childhoods prove, that this is the way forward.

Want to hear more of Angela’s insights as a Paediatric Occupational Therpist? Listen here on my podcast.

 

Last Child in the Woods by Richard Louv

Our children are really struggling in today’s society, due mainly to a large shift in lifestyle. Being indoors and sedentary has negatively impacted all areas of healthy child development. The author clearly, and beautifully redirects us back to our own nature-filled childhoods, as the solution. Giving children more time outdoors, at home and at school, can change their life for the better and improve their overall wellbeing.

Free to Learn by Peter Gray

This is one of the most recommended books by guest on Spirited Hearts™ the podcast, and for very good reason. This delves into the history of the education system, why it hasn’t served the wellbeing of children for centuries, and other ways we can allow our children to truly thrive, develop and learn in ways that are meaningful for them. Parents have an extremely powerful voice in their child’s education, and all it takes is one conversation to make tiny changes. Maybe those changes won’t happen immediately, but it plants the seeds for making this world much better for our children.

What are your thoughts and feelings on this list? Have you read any of these books?

Do you have a favourite book you would recommend to parents? Leave a comment below.

How I Discovered Aware Parenting

Before I even planned on having kids, I always had this vision of how I would parent. There is a little known fact that every new generation of parents evolve from the way they were raised. Why? Simply because there were parts from all of our childhoods that we knew we didn’t like and therefore we decided to do things differently when it was our turn to have children. For me, I knew that I wouldn’t use punishments, spanking or timeouts with my children.

When I did become pregnant with my first child, I still had in my head the way I wanted to raise him. I had no idea if there was even a way of parenting out there that met my needs as a soon-to-be parent. Little did I know at the time that my desire to parent a certain way would land on my lap and send me on a journey that would shape myself as a Mum, entrepreneur and human being.

 In my 8th month of pregnancy with my first child I was reading the Appendix section at the back of my Calmbirth book when I came across an essay written by Marion Rose (now my Mentor and dear Friend) about something called Aware Parenting, which is a parenting philosophy by Developmental Psychologist Aletha Solter PhD. As I sat there all bulgy and pregnant, my mouth got wider and wider in complete shock, delight and excitement as I soaked in those 5 pages of words. I thought to myself “Oh my goodness, can this really be? There is a parenting philosophy out there that 100% fit my desires as a parent. Plus so much more?” The answer was yes. I got up as quickly as an 8-month pregnant woman could and hobbled into the kitchen to share my exciting discovery with my husband. I read to him the entire article out loud. At the end I asked him what he thought. He said that it resonated with him before I’d even finished the first paragraph! That’s pretty powerful stuff.

The next thing I did was jump on the Book Depository website and ordered every single one of Aletha’s books on Aware Parenting (there were 4 at the time, there are now 5). Unfortunately the books didn’t arrive before my son was born, but once they arrived I devoured each page of those four books as quickly as I could. Thankfully, it didn’t take long because the time spent sitting up at night feeding my newborn gave me the opportunity to read the books that changed my life.

I became so passionate about Aware Parenting and sort other parents out in my community and abroad who were following this approach. I then connected with Marion (who I mentioned above). I have done several of the amazing online courses she has to offer. I lived and breathed Aware Parenting, all with the support from my husband – which let me tell you, when you are on the same page about parenting as your spouse if freaking amazing. Our family didn’t really understand this different kind of parenting. Some of them probably thought the whole thing was completely ludicrous. However, there were a couple of family members that went to the effort to understand and even practice Aware Parenting with my kids, for which I am truly grateful.

As my journey into Aware Parenting deepened, I realised it was more a way of life than just a way to parent. It sparked in me a deep passion and altered my career course to specialise in parenting and children. It was very early on that I decided I was going to become a Certified Aware Parenting Instructor. I achieved this almost 4 years ago; 3 years after I commenced my Aware Parenting journey.

So what is this Aware Parenting you ask? If you’ve read my previous blog posts they will give you some inkling as to the philosophy. Aware Parenting is about honouring a child for who they are, seeing them for who they are instead of their behaviour. It is a way of life encompassing compassion, empathy, cooperation, connection and understanding. There are three main components as outlined by Aletha as the core of what Aware Parenting is. These are:

• Attachment-style parenting

  • Natural childbirth and early bonding

  • Plenty of physical contact

  • Prolonged breast-feeding

  • Prompt responsiveness to crying

  • Sensitive attunement

• Non-punitive discipline

  • No punishments of any kind (including spanking, "time-out", and artificial "consequences")

  • No rewards or bribes

  • A search for underlying needs and feelings

  • Anger management for parents

  • Peaceful conflict-resolution (family meetings, mediation, etc.)

• Healing from stress and trauma

  • Recognition of stress and trauma (including unmet needs) as primary causes of behavioral and emotional problems

  • Emphasis on prevention of stress and trauma

  • Recognition of the healing effects of play, laughter, and crying in the context of a loving parent/child relationship

  • Respectful, empathic listening and acceptance of children's emotions

(Copyright © 1994 by Aletha Solter “copied with permission from the Aware Parenting Institute website” http://www.awareparenting.com/aspects.html)

All of these principles are based on scientific and psychological research into the development of a human baby and child. When you read that tears and tantrums are healing, I wonder how that makes you feel? Before I came across Aware Parenting, I thought these were things that needed to be stopped. However, after reading the scientific research it makes complete sense for me personally. Biochemist William Fey discovered that when we cry to release emotions such as sadness, powerlessness, frustration and anger we are releasing stress hormones from our body. This is a crucial step in allowing our body to regain equilibrium.

Aware Parenting is following what works for you, tuning in to your own feelings around all aspects of your life and going with what resonates with you. As with everything in life, take what you like and leave the rest when you close this window.

I have lived, breathed and parented Aware Parenting for 7 years, and I can say with absolute certainty that the times I have stumbled (whether from exhaustion or stress) and defaulted to the way I was raised (punishment, timeouts, etc), my children have not responded well. When I use Aware Parenting by connecting before correcting, using play for challenging behaviours and holding space for big feelings, everyone feels happier and more connected.

Playful Parenting

My eldest son who is 6 years old tends to get overwhelmed and overstimulated easily. These feelings are then externalised as screaming, hitting and throwing. I’ve had various people tell me to threaten him, bribe him, send him to his room and deprive him of things he loves. All of these are techniques I told myself before I became a parent that I would not do. Why? Well, for two reasons. One, it didn’t sit well with me, and two, because I have read the scientific research which demonstrates these ways are not effective and in the long run can even be harmful to the parent-child relationship. Instead I chose to focus on the works of those who are highly qualified, highly experienced and who offer a more gentler approach which is full of compassion, connection and fun.

First of all, I am no saint. I have used some of those more severe methods of coercion to get my son to not do something like when he wanted to throw his toys in the ceiling fan or when he refused to get into the car next to a busy road. I didn’t like how it felt using threats and bribes, and I can tell my son certainly didn’t either. It just made his behaviour worse. It made him feel powerless and frustrated. In turn it made me feel the same way. So here we were, stuck in an endless and never-ending battle of wills and stubbornness.

Last year, my husband was away for work, for 8 months. He came home on weekends when he could but it was challenging. I was solo parenting for the first time with a 4 year old and an infant. I was exhausted from lack of sleep. Exhausted from lack of support. Exhausted because I didn’t have the resources, nor the time to replenish my completely depleted supply of energy, love and compassion. I found myself yelling back at my son. It was horrible, for both of us. I look back at those times and shudder. At the same time, that yelling still comes up, because after months of reacting this way, it kind of became habitual. I still feel like I’m detoxing the residual effects of all those threats, all that yelling, all that coerciveness.

The good news is that I reached out to a dear friend and mentor of mine; Marion Rose (PhD). She knew exactly what I needed, offered some suggestions, and away I went to work on myself and rebuild the relationship between my son that has melted in the face of yelling matches. Now, what Marion suggested to me was not new to me, in fact they were things I have known about for years. But hey, I’m human, so I needed a re-push in the right direction. Her recommendations were based on the principles of Aware Parenting (something I am so passionate about I became a certified Instructor 2 years ago). Now, the stuff I am about to share with you is unconventional (as in it goes against what most people see as “discipline”) and it seems completely counterintuitive. If you’ll bear with me, I will share with you specific examples of how it helped my son and I so much more than using “carrots and sticks” (i.e. rewards and punishment).

So here is what I did. I re-read Attachment Play by Aletha Solter (PhD), and re-did Marion’s course “Attachment Play.” I also read for the first time Playful Parenting by Lawrence J. Cohen (PhD). Funnily enough, this book had been sitting on my bookshelf, unread, for over a year. I highly recommend both these 2 books and Marion’s course. Lifesavers and life changers. When I was reading Playful Parenting, like most books I read, I took notes, underlined and put sticky notes on pages. I would like to share with you some of the things that I took away from this book so you can understand some of the principles behind the philosophy, and then I will give you specific examples of play I used with my son to solve behavioural upsets.

My Take Aways from Playful Parenting

·       For our children to have a Secure Attachment to us as parents (see Bowlby for more on Attachment Theory) our children need cups overflowing with affection, security and attention. When their cups are running low this can lead to behavioural issues.

·       Physical play is extremely important to a child’s development and wellbeing

·       Most experts who study childhood emotions agree that anger covers up other more vulnerable feelings. For example pain, loss and fear.

·       When children are GENTLY stopped from lashing out, they will release their vulnerable and painful feelings through tears, trembling and talking

·       Countless studies (which I have read for my Masters degree) have shown that adults hitting children is likely to make them more aggressive, more antisocial and more likely to end up in prison or with serious emotional problems.

·       Instead of getting children to be more obedient, strive for them to have good judgment.

·       The  way children develop into thoughtful, considerate, kind and honest adults is because of the love and affection, the high moral standards and the close relationship with someone who models those values. Promises, threats, rewards and punishments have been called “the most primitive way of dealing with human beings.” Humans have the advanced capacity to think and reason, and because we NEED close connections, it makes much more sense to use loving and talking as the basis of discipline.

·       Laughter is the best medicine. It releases anger, fear, anxiety and all those juicy painful emotions.

·       By focusing on the underlying need and feeling instead of reacting to the surface behaviour, we can develop strong and lasting connections with our children, that they will then take into the world with honesty, kindness, cooperation and compassion.

The bottom line is CONNECTION, CONNECTION, CONNECTION. So how do we do this when our child is screaming at us, hitting their sibling or us and throwing things across the room? Here are some examples:

·       Hitting (The Love Hit Game) – not long after my husband went away for work my son went through a stage of hitting me whenever he felt overwhelmed, upset and angry. While it would have been easier to send him to time-out or punish him in some other way, I decided to turn it into a game. Whenever he hit me (which I made sure I was a distance where it wouldn’t hurt, safety is always important) I said in a mock angry voice “did you just hit me? I think you just hit me. Do you know what that means? That means I must hug you with lots of love.” I then goofily followed him around the room and hugged him in a silly way that he found hilarious. Now, I get it, it may seem like I was “rewarding” his behaviour. But I chose to see his behaviour as a cry for help, here was this little human that was experiencing all these big painful emotions. So I connected with my son and used love to remedy the behaviour. The result? Well the more I did this, the less he hit out of anger. His behaviour dramatically improved and when he did experience these emotions in the future he was better able to process them on his own.

·       Baby bear in a cave – this game I learnt from Aletha in her book Attachment Play (p.65). This game is really helpful when it comes to getting our kids to cooperate and they have feelings of powerlessness. For this game I created a cave, which I simply did by making a circle of pillows. I then had my son play the baby bear, and I played the Mama bear going to get honey. I said to my cub “Mama’s going to get honey, no baby bears are allowed out of the cave ok?” Of course my son snuck out, so when I turned around and saw him making a run for it, I got my mock anger on and said “I said no baby bears out of the cave, oh baby bear, you better go back in that cave.” Lots of laughter ensued from this and our connection grew stronger, as did my son’s cooperation.

·       Pillow fight – when my son gets really riled up, my husband and I pillow fight with him. We direct the hits and kicks to a pillow. Sometimes we give the pillow a helpless persona “oh don’t hit me I’m a poor little pillow.” Other times we play the weaker role and allow our son to hit us with the pillow. We then fall down and say “oh no you hit me.” When we go to hit him with the pillow, we purposefully miss. This also brings on lots of laughter because children are constantly attempting to deal with their own inadequacies and parents showing their flaws and inability to do things really forms a deep connection that we are all going through similar experiences.

These are just a small number of games we play with my son. We play them either as the need arises. For example any misbehaviour we turn into a game, which then release the emotions in the background and restores harmony. We also set aside time each day (if we can) for “Special Time” where we set a timer and let our kids direct the entire play session.

How are you feeling about bringing more fun, laughter and play into your life?

As adults, it can be quite challenging as most of us left our goofy, awkward selves back in our childhood. I have found though, through personal experience and the research, that this type of “play therapy” is so beneficial for our children, but also for ourselves. I also feel less stressed and anxious after a play session with my son because I laugh as well. I constantly feel out of my comfort zone, and the thought that I’m making a complete fool of myself does make me cringe, but it is so worth it, just to see and feel that deep connection.

If you’ve used play to discipline I would love to hear your experiences. If you are new and willing to throw it all to the wind I would highly recommend Attachment Play course, Attachment Play by Aletha Solter (PhD) or Playful Parenting by Lawrence J. Cohen. Such amazing and life changing resources. If you feel like the whole idea is ludicrous then that is ok too, but just know that this method is always here if you need it.

Love & Gratitude xx