How to Support Yourself and Your Child Through a Medical Procedure - as Featured on Your Zen Mama

This article was originally written for, and feature on Your Zen Mama

One of the most difficult situations we can go through with our children is medical procedures. Whether it be a blood test, dentist visit or a surgery, these events can leave us and our child feeling scared, anxious, overwhelmed and powerless.

As a parent, there are some things that we can do to support our child and ourselves, both before and after, to reduce and release the feelings of stress and trauma associated with medical procedures.

Not only have many of my clients used these suggestions with great success, I have also used them with my own children and the children I care for in my at-home daycare.

When my eldest son was 2 years old, he split the bottom of his lip so badly, it required general anaesthetic and a cosmetic surgeon to repair. When he was 5 years old, he had his tonsils and adenoids out. We were able to prepare him and ourselves with the suggestions written below.

If you know in advance that your child is going to have a medical procedure, here are some things that you can do to prepare them and yourself:

Role Play/Symbolic Play
Role play/symbolic play can assist children in preparing for any situation, including medical procedures. If you have a toy medical kit and some soft toys/dolls you play with them, with your child to show them what to expect. You can then let your child take over and direct the play to see what happens. This can give insight into any anxieties they may be feelings, for example maybe they might say the doctor is scary. You can then introduce laughter, because laughter is one of the most effective ways the body releases fears.

One of my family’s favourite games is The Bumbling Doctor/Patient: 

To start with, I would recommend that your child assigns the role of patient and doctor to each of you, and then you can swap roles. No matter what your role though, you will be acting like a bumbling, confused and silly patient/doctor. Remember, this won’t necessarily mean that your child will act like this at their appointment/procedure, this is a means to get your child to release their scared feelings through laughter and connection with you, so that they feel more confident going into their appointment.

Bumbling patient: if you start as the patient, you can pretend you hurt a part of your body, you’re unwell or just need fixing. Ask your doctor if you can lie down so they can see what’s wrong with you. For example, maybe you broke your arm. You can mock exaggerate the hurt “oh it hurts so much, it feels like it’s fallen off” and then indicate your arm as your foot. Your child will probably correct your complete incompetence at recognising your own anatomy. You can then say “thank goodness you know what’s what doctor.” This will help your child feel powerful in their role as a doctor, which can counteract their feelings of powerlessness about their medical appointment/procedure.

Bumbling doctor: you could have your child lie down and ask them how you can help them. They might say their tummy hurts. You can then go their knee “oh here’s your tummy, hmm it does look a bit odd.” Your child will most likely giggle and re-direct you to their abdomen. You can overshoot their abdomen and look at their neck “oh here it is I found your tummy.” Once again there will be laughter and your child will show you where their tummy is. You can start to get mock confused “what that can’t be right, are you sure that’s your tummy?” You can continue like this, as your child releases their fears through laughter, and finds your incompetence as a doctor hilarious.

Presence Time
Presence Time, is a term I use when I set a timer for a designated period of time, it could be as little as 5 minutes, up to however long you feel you can remain completely uninterrupted and completely present with you child. The idea is that your child has full control (within reason) of what you do during Presence Time, and there is only one child and at least one adult. The child chooses what to do, it may be cooking, art, lego, bike riding or even imaginative play where they assign both of you a role. In this time, you give your child your full undivided attention, you do what they say and you bask in the beauty of the child before you. This strengthens the connection between you and your child, counteracts feelings of powerlessness as you are their safety anchor, and can promotes feelings of love, security and support before they go into their procedure.

Hold Space for Feelings that Arise
With feelings of fear, anxiety and apprehension, it is normal for children to express those feelings through crying, raging or laughter. Scientific studies, such as one conducted by biochemist, William Frey, discovered that our tears contain stress hormones. This means that our tears, are the body’s natural method for releasing accumulated stress within the body. As the saying “better out than in” applies to tears too. When your child cries for emotional reasons, you can sit with them and hold a space of safety and love. You can say things such as “I’m here with you” “I can you are feeling …” “I’m listening.” When you validate, acknowledge and hold space for another person, whether that be child or adult, you are showing them you unconditionally accept all parts of them, and you allow healing to happen for that person.

Listening Support For Yourself
Sometimes, we feel so frightened, overwhelmed and powerless ourselves. If we walk around bottling up these feelings, our children can sense our own fears and anxieties, which can affect how they view and feel about the impending procedure. One beneficial way we can care for ourselves is to ask a trusted friend or family member to hold space for us (the same way as mentioned above) where fixes, solutions and advice is not given. Instead, someone listens to all that is going on for us, so we can release that burden in loving company. 

Sometimes, you have no time to prepare. You have to rush your child to the hospital, or an accident happens that not only causes physically trauma, but emotional trauma too.

When my younger son was 14 months old, he was diagnosed with a severe and life-threatening blood disorder, which resulted in too many blood tests and cannulas to count, and many emergency visits as soon as he had a fever. We lived for 5 years in a state of fear, anxiety and powerlessness. Thankfully, this is a medical condition he outgrew, and we still have quite the road ahead of us to recover from the trauma and stress.

If the medical procedure is urgent, an emergency or if you and your child need to heal from past medical procedures, here are some helpful things to help you recover emotionally and mentally:

Power-reversal Games
When a child is held down at the dentist, during a blood test or for any other medical procedure, it can result in big feelings of powerlessness. To release these feelings, we can use Attachment Play such as pillow fights, tag, hide and seek, wrestling, or piggy back rides. In these games the main goal is that the child is in the position of power, and we are the incompetent play partner. Our child is the one that knocks us over with the pillow and when we try to hit them, we miss or our pillow is too heavy. When we play tag, our child always catches us, but they are too fast for us to catch them. When we play hide and seek, we hide in more obvious places and are dumbfounded by how quickly we were found, when we seek, we act mock-confused as to where our child is. When we give piggy back rides we get our child to tap our shoulders to indicate which direction they would like to go in, maybe they lead us straight into a wall. All of these games lead to lots of laughter, and that laughter releases anxiety and stress.

Role Play
As above, you can use role play in the same way to help children process the medical procedure or emergency they have experienced.

Presence Time
This is the same as listed above. Presence time will allow children to feel connected, secure and safe in your presence, so they can more easily cope with what is going on for them emotionally.

Listening to the Big Feelings
Once again, as above, when we hold space for the crying and raging, we allow our child’s body’s natural healing mechanism to release all the stress hormones that have accumulated. Once a child releases these feelings (it may take several cries, over a period of time depending on the severity of the medical procedure, and how frightening and overwhelming the experience was for your child) they won’t be carrying around the emotional baggage, stress or trauma.

Seek more support
It’s important to remember that the healing process can take time, especially if you and your child have had no time to prepare. Each child and parent is unique, so remember what works really well some one individual, might not work as well for another. Sometimes you need to use trial and error to see what works best for your child in any given moment. If you’re finding it too overwhelming, if complex trauma is evident or you are really struggling to cope, please seek professional support. Allowing others to help, can help you and your child to heal, recover and strengthen your wellbeing.

The Dark Side of Pregnancy

Two years ago, almost to the day, I discovered that I was pregnant with my second child. It was early days, as I was only 4-5 weeks along. My husband and I were so excited and filled with joy at welcoming a new little being into our family. However, only a couple of weeks later, things dramatically changed. I became so ill that I could no longer get out of bed. I lost almost 10kg by the time I reached my second trimester. Between 10-14 weeks along, I had been to the Emergency Department three times, and had a one week hospital stay. I was so tired and exhausted, yet I could not sleep because I felt so ill. I could not stand to hear or see anything. I shut myself in my bedroom, where I always had the curtains drawn. I could no longer stand to be near my husband or my son. I was in my own living hell.

During my first pregnancy I felt nauseous everyday for the first 4 months, and then by 6 months along, the nausea had completely disappeared. I only vomited once or twice, however, I did dry heave a couple of handful of times. I was hoping for my second pregnancy things would be easier than this, and I was definitely not expecting worse. Which is why when the severe and debilitating nausea that was 24/7 hit, as well as the daily vomiting, I knew I was in for the roughest ride yet. I lost so much weight, that my face looked like a skeleton. My own Mum told me I looked like my Pop the day before he died – not the nicest thing to hear, but I had thought that before she even uttered those words to me, when I saw a reflection of myself in my phone screen.

When I was admitted into hospital at the beginning of my second trimester, doctors diagnosed my condition. I had Hyperemesis Gravidarum (aka what Kate Middleton had at the beginning of each of her pregnancies), however, I had it through my entire pregnancy, and it only went away once I held my baby in my arms.

The reason I want to talk about this, is because of the emotions and feelings of complete and utter devastation that accompany something as debilitating as this. From what I have read this actual condition only affects less than 3% of pregnant women. That is an extremely small percentage, and often I would lie in bed, too sick to function, and wonder “why me?” Why did I have to be part of that 3%? Why couldn’t I have a healthy pregnancy? Or why couldn’t it be like my first pregnancy where I eventually got better, but was never so sick to require hospitalisation? Sometimes I still find myself asking these questions two years later. Unless you have experienced this yourself, you can never understand how completely and utterly devastating and horrible it is to your entire life. I realise that sounds quite dramatic, but it is the truth. Just ask any Mama who has had the complete displeasure of suffering from HG and they will set you straight.

Now I am not proud of this, but there were times when I felt so sick, that I was considering whether it would be best to terminate my pregnancy. These thoughts came to me in my extremely weak moments, where I felt like I was hanging at deaths door. Even though I had these thoughts, there was still this small, extremely thin ray of light that would urge me on. Obviously, I am extremely thankful I managed to get through all of that, but at the time it was difficult. I would have people say to me “I hope you feel better soon” or “ you will feel better soon” or “this too shall pass.” I can tell you with absolute certainty that this did not help in anyway, shape or form, and honestly I felt like slapping that person across the face, if I could only muster the strength to do so. See, while these people were well meaning, and I love them beyond measure, I was stuck in the present. A present that was consumed with constant nausea, I could not see that sunny future time.

If feeling physically sick ALL.THE.TIME. was not enough, I was also consumed with guilt. Guilt I felt for taking the drugs, so that I could at least partially function during the day and not spend the entire day with my head over the toilet bowl. Guilt for the effect this was having on my baby. Guilt for thinking about giving up. Guilt about not spending time with my other child. Guilt at having all my plans from the first month of the year fall into a pitiful, forgotten heap. Guilt, guilt, guilt. Even today, I still sometimes feel that guilt. It is all consuming. All encompassing. Guilt has the power to completely devastate your life if you let it.

I am sharing this story with you because many people do not know what Hyperemesis Gravidarum (HG) is, let alone how utterly debilitating it is. Just like you cannot adequately describe to someone who is not a parent, what being a Mum feels like, you cannot describe to a person who has never felt this sick in their life for 8 months straight what it feels like. Many people talk about the “dark night of the soul” or “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.” This experience was definitely one of mine. It tested my willpower, my resolve, my determination like no other.

If you are/have experienced this, or something like this, I am here to tell you not to give up even if every bone in your body wants to. Even when you feel so weak and depleted you can’t even lift your head off the pillow. There were weeks I felt so sick I couldn’t even have a shower or brush my teeth. Yes, I know that sounds so gross, but that gives you some idea of how nauseous I felt. It was a hard pill to swallow, watching the life, the year and the healthy pregnancy I envisioned getting sucked down the toilet bowl with my vomit. To this day I still say 2016 was a complete write off…except for the end, when I got to hold my beautiful, healthy baby in my arms, and realise it was all worth it.

There were many things that helped me get through this extremely challenging time. The first, without a doubt, was the unconditional support of family and friends. The second was taking each day, each minute and even each second at a time. Getting through the small moments one baby step at a time. The last thing, sometimes helped and sometimes didn’t; trying different remedies, therapies or approaches to help me feel better. I discovered that while most people say ginger is great for nausea, it made me feel much worse. Why? Well at the time I had low blood pressure, and ginger is one of the worst things you can have with low blood pressure…keep that in mind if ginger is not working for you. I tried acupuncture, which seemed to work so well in my first pregnancy, but just didn’t cut it this time around. I tried eating small. I tried crackers. I tried supplements, I tried herbs. I tried listening to music that is meant to alleviate nausea. I tried seasickness bands. You name it; I tried it.

In the end I accepted that nothing could help me except my own strong will. This was one of the times I actually thanked my sheer stubbornness because it did help me to stay strong. Even when I thought my darkest thoughts, that little stubborn voice, buried under all the nausea, would speak up and say, “you can do this.” And you know what? If I can get through this, than you can too. Now, even if you were well and truly blessed to have a smooth-sailing pregnancy (I admit I am a tad jealous), you may know someone who is having it rough, or maybe you know someone who is just going through hard times. Acknowledge their challenges. Empathise (not sympathise) with their struggles, really put yourself in their shoes. Remind them that they have this, and that you are there with them. Because knowing that I had people around me that I could count on really, really helped.

Fast forward, two years to the present day. Do you think I have completely healed from HG? The answer is absolutely not. You see for 8 months of my life I was bed-ridden, my muscles faded away (except my stomach muscles as they got quite the workout from vomiting), I was malnourished, my gums became sensitive, my teeth became stained and I am still haunted by the feelings of nausea and the storm of emotions I felt. HG completely devastates your immune system, digestive system, nervous system, and let’s face it every other system in your body. In many women, it can result in them being more susceptible to illness and take longer to recover. For me I had a 5 day fever. 5 days!!! That is the first time in my life I have experienced that. A few months ago I started feeling quite nauseous (no I was not pregnant, thank God) and normally I would be able to take it in my stride and just deal with it. Not this time. This time I spent the entire day lying in bed.

Thanks to Kate Middleton, this ugly and horrendous illness has had some media presence. However, unlike Kate, I did not recover after my first trimester and I did not have the financial fortune to employ every therapy and professional I could. So I ask you, if you know of a lady friend, or one of your friends ends up having this debilitating condition in the future, please do not shrug it off as “morning sickness.” HG is a serious illness that can result in the death of mother and baby because dehydration and malnutrition are very prominent side effects.

The best thing you can do for your friend/family member is to be there for them and pretty much do whatever they ask. Also do not offer any advice, particularly around ginger biscuits because you might find the door slammed in your face. Also do not down play the way she feels, this is a serious illness and not something to be taken lightly.

Lastly, if you yourself are the sufferer I definitely empathise with you. It is hard, difficult, challenging and downright shit experience. So, you do what you need to in order to get through. Whether that be following your cravings and only eating chocolate and croissants for an entire month, than so be it. If you need to take the drugs, as shameful and guilty as you may feel, it may be the best option. If you need to be admitted to hospital, hooked up to a drip and pumped with fluids and vitamins, then definitely do that (I know I felt so much better, I actually didn’t want to go back home. The hospital food tasted great and didn’t make me feel sick).

After the pregnancy, take what time you need to get better. Do what you need to get better. For me I am still getting my health and energy in order. I am seeing a chiropractor, homeopath, massage therapist and using my own training in Aromatherapy and complementary therapies.

Going through HG is a horrendous experience, and there are times when nothing or no one will make you feel better. Take it moment-by-moment, accept the emotions but don’t let them consume you, and tell people when they are not being helpful. It can also be a long road to recovery, which is why you need to make time for you, even with a baby. Get family members to help look after you and your baby.

The final thing I would like to say is to remember you are not alone in your experience and there are many support groups both online and in your local community that you can access.

Love & Gratitude xx