Frustration is a Natural Part of the Learning Process

When we witness frustration in someone else, whether that be child or adult, we often feel the urge to jump in and fix whatever caused those frustrated feelings.

We see the feelings of frustration expressed in behaviour; throwing, hitting, crying, raging, tantrums, screaming.

Frustration can be hard for us to face, both within ourselves and our children. Let’s acknowledge how challenging it can be to see the struggle, the tears, the tantrum that come when a person feels so overwhelmed by the frustration of something not working.

Frustration can be beautiful, empowering and is a natural part of learning.

Every new skill and milestone we set out to achieve naturally comes with frustration.

In our own lives it may appear when we start a new job and feel completely inadequate, of starting a new hobby.

We see it in our children.

I witness frustration every day in children.

My younger son was trying to build something particular with his lego, it just wouldn’t work. He screamed, threw the pieces across the room and called it all “stupid.”

I could have stepped in and built it for him, or done the puzzle for the 3yo, or put the shoes on the 4yo who has done it many times by himself before.

Who’s needs would I be serving though if I did that?

How would each of these children learn to build and solve if someone else did it all for them?

When a child sees an adult doing something for them, they have been struggling with, it can raise feelings of incompetence, worthiness, not good enough.

When we step in to stop the frustration and the tantrum, we are also showing children, through our actions, that we don’t believe they can do something themselves.

Often, we are meeting our own adult needs: not having the capacity to hold space for another tantrum, or maybe when we were children our learning frustrations were never acknowledged and someone stepped in to complete the task for us. Meaning we have an unfinished need, to complete certain things for ourselves.

In those moments of pure frustration, rage and crying, one of the most helpful gifts we can offer our children is to hold that space for them.

“I see you really wanted that lego to go together a certain way and it just wouldn’t work.”

“I can see you working so hard on that puzzle and the pieces just won’t go together.”

“That shoe is having a hard time getting on your foot.”

Time and time again, I observe the power of holding space for the frustration because after those feelings have been released through crying and raging, that child will easily complete the task they originally set out to do. And the best part is the big smile and empowerment they feel within themselves “I did it all by myself!!”

You stand there and share in their joy, in their power, in their success.

Holding space for ALL the feelings can be the most powerful gift you give yourself, others and your children.

Stay tuned for using play as another powerful way to move through frustrations in childhood.

As A Guest on The Aware Parenting Podcast: Episode 96-Every Child is Unique

I feel so blessed and grateful to Marion Rose and Lael Stone for having me on The Aware Parenting Podcast to share my personal experiences about something I have so much passion for.

Here is the episode summary:

In this episode of The Aware Parenting Podcast. We talk with a guest, Steph Fleeton who is an Aware Parenting Instructor.

We asked Steph to join us after receiving messages recently asking about practicing Aware Parenting when a child has a diagnosis such as ADHD or Autism.

Steph has a long background in early childhood education and daycare and also has two sons, the eldest of whom has a diagnosis of ADHD and Generalised Anxiety Disorder.

In the podcast, Steph shared about her experience of practicing Aware Parenting with her son as well as with the children that come into her care. We felt so touched listening to Steph share about deeply connecting with each child and their uniqueness. Steph also shared about her journey of her son getting diagnosed and the impact the diagnosis has on how other adults are towards him.

CLICK HERE TO LISTEN TO THE EPISODE. It can also be found on all major Podcasting apps.

COMMENTS FROM OTHERS:

• I listened to this episode 3 times and will probably listen to it again. Came exactly at the right time😍 thanks Steph for sharing your wisdom and @laelstone and @_marion_rose_ for the great questions / your beautiful vibe.

• This episode touched my heart❤️ Thank you 🌻

• It’s like you were reading my mind. I was wandering if you had an episode on this topic this week but hasn’t gotten around to searching 🙌

• Thank you so much for this. I have been wanting to request this myself. I’d love to see more episodes with people who have a deep knowledge of Autism.

If you have a child with a diagnosis, or suspect they may have, please know you are not alone.

Parenting is challenging enough, however, having a child with extra needs can leave us feeling powerless, overwhelmed, frustration and lost.

If you are feeling like you need extra support for yourself, please reach out. It is my passion to help all parents, especially those with children that are needing extra support themselves.

How to Choose the Best Daycare & Help Your Child With Separation Anxiety

Are you having trouble deciding which daycare would best suit your child and family?

Are you concerned or are you struggling with how to help your child with separation anxiety?

I sat down with Helena Mooney from Parenting With Play and chatted about the answers to these questions plus so much more.

You can find the episode on your Podcast app by searching for “Parenting With Play” or you can click HERE and listen through Helena’s website.

This podcast is one of my favourites and I’m sure you will find so much wisdom in all the other episodes as well.

Happy listening.

Love & Gratitude,

Steph xx

Aware Parenting & Homeschooling

Yesterday, I had the pleasure of having my second conversation on my dear friend and mentor, Marion Rose’s Podcast.

We chatted about Aware Parenting, Homeschooling, High Sensitivity as children and parents, and so much more.

To hear this conversation, please CLICK HERE.

Feel free to leave your thoughts and feelings in the comments below afterwards.

Much Gratitude,

Steph

Sibling Introductions - Love and Rivalry

One of the things I was concerned about when I was pregnant with my second child; was how my first child was going to react to his new siblings’ arrival. There is so much literature out there on sibling rivalry and how to ensure your siblings get along. To be honest I have read maybe five pages on the topic. Why? Well firstly I am a sibling myself – the eldest of three to be exact. So I do know what it is like. Plus one of the areas of personal growth I have experienced since becoming a Mum, is to simply go with the flow, trust myself and take things moment-by-moment.

Like I mentioned above I am the eldest of three children. My sister is two years younger than me. I don’t remember my Mum being pregnant, bringing home my sister or anything really until I was 3 years old and my sister was one. From that point I have an abundance of memories. My brother then came along a couple of weeks after I started kindergarten.  I was 5, and so I do have the memories of my Mum being pregnant, feeling and listening to my baby sibling moving in her tummy, meeting my brother for the first time in hospital and helping to look after him. It is because of these two very different memories – or rather lack of memories when my sister was born – that I personally chose to have a bigger age gap than two years between my 2 children.

 My kids are exactly 3.5 years apart in age. When I got pregnant I was busy running my own Family Day Care. So I got a lot of questions not only from my son, but also from all the other toddlers in my care. I found it a beautiful experience to share this with them, and they loved feeling my belly and asking “is the baby coming out yet?” As my son was 3, he was able to grasp in his own way that there was a baby growing in my tummy and when the baby was big enough it would come out. We would talk about what the baby would look like, what it would do and how excited my son was that he would have someone to play with.

 To help prepare for their first introduction in hospital, I got my son to pick out a present for his new brother. I also got my older son a present that would be from the baby. When the day came I got my Mum to bring my son in and we hugged and spent time with him. When he was ready we introduced him to his new baby brother and they exchanged gifts. I thought it was very important for their initial meeting to have a give and receive exchange, and my son loved that experience. He asked a lot of questions about why the baby was now out and where he was going to go when we got home.

 Once we did get home, my son was still trying to understand that he was no longer the only kid on the block in our house. There were times in the first few weeks where he would say things like “throw him in the bin,” “take him back to the hospital,” and “put him back in your tummy.” Throughout all these outbursts I remained empathetic and understanding of his feelings. I believe this helped greatly in curbing any jealousy because now 3 months later these two precious little boys love each other. As soon as the baby sees his older brother his face lights up, and his older brother loves interacting with him. It is also lovely to see that the way we treat my older son is shining through in the way he treats his brother. When little brother is upset, big brother will come running and gently stroke his face and say “your safe, I’m here.” It is so beautiful to watch and really melts my heart. I also feel so happy that when my older son does have a tantrum he never takes it out on his little brother. I don’t know if that will continue in the future, but I have hope and faith, as though they are both off to such a loving start in their brotherly relationship.

Some Sibling-Love Tips

Prepare Your Child/ren For the New Arrival

No matter how young your other child/ren are I would recommend preparing them for the arrival of their new sibling. This allows them to feel respected, part of the process and gives them some feelings of control over this change in their lives. Some ways you can do this is by answering their questions with age-appropriate responses; telling them stories; role-playing with teddies or dolls; sharing your own experiences if you have siblings.

Special Time

Especially once the new baby has arrived, it is important to put aside time for just you and your other child. This will help to fill up their cup of connection with you, and there is less chance of sibling rivalry. What works for me and my son is once a day we will have special play time. I give my baby to a family member (most often my husband) to look after. I then set an alarm on my phone – this helps to avoid arguments and tantrums when it is time to move onto other things that need to be done. I always choose child-directed play. I feel this helps my son overcome any feelings of powerlessness he may be feeling about his new brother, or any other aspect of his life. Currently his favourite game is to pretend his bed is a boat that we sit on, he then asks me to choose a button (pretend) to push which makes us go faster or slower. These play sessions we set aside are so full of joy, presence and love that we both feel fulfilled when the alarm goes off. The amount of time changes day-by-day too depending on our other commitments. Sometimes I set the alarm for 10 minutes, other times 30 minutes. It doesn’t really matter to my son because children live in the present moment, and he knows that when that alarm goes off that special one-on-one playtime is over until the next day.

Laughter

For years professionals have said “laughter is the best medicine” and that holds true for parenting as well. Laughter releases fear and pent up emotions from the body. One thing I will mention before continuing though is that this laughter must be initiated by the person/child, not forced on them through things such as tickling. While tickling generally makes most people laugh it is involuntary and if you pay attention to their body language over the laughing, you will realise that most people actually go rigid and attempt to push you away. This is because it has a tendency to make us feel powerless, most people don’t like being tickled, the laughing response is involuntary and the tickler believes the child like it. When, in fact, most of the time people don’t like being tickled.

The laughter I’m describing generally comes about through being goofy. You can play games with your children around their feelings of fear and anxiety about their new sibling. For example you and your partner can playfully pretend to fight over who gets to play with your child. This game can elicit lots of laughter form your child and help him to overcome feelings of jealousy.

Empathy & Compassion

I am a big advocate in these two values, especially when it comes to parenting. I find that my son moves on quicker from his feelings of jealousy, powerlessness and frustration surrounding his baby brother when I offer empathy and compassion for his feelings. For example when he said “put him in the bin.” Instead of saying how horrible he was for saying that, I empathised with him. “You must be feeling really upset to want your brother to be thrown in the bin.” “I hear how you want it to be just us again.” “Are you worried he is going to play with all your toys?” This helps my son feel understood, respected and validated. I believe it is these empathic responses that have helped him form such a loving relationship with his brother so quickly.

What were your techniques for introducing your new baby to your other child/ren? I would love to hear from you, so please leave a comment below.