"I Don't Like The Word Learning."

A few weeks ago my 10 year old declared "I don't like the word learning."

"What's a word you would prefer to use instead?"

He sat for a moment in contemplation.

"Discover.

I would use the word discover instead of learning or education. To discover something is exciting, and something you choose, not something you are told you have to do."

This is the kind of magic that happens when you trust your child, when you give them space to express themselves authentically, and when you give yourself permission to live a life of endless possibilities.

Let's look at some definitions (Cambridge dictionary):

• Education - the process of teaching or learning, especially in a school or college, or the knowledge that you get from this

• Learning - knowledge or skill acquired by instruction or study

• Discovery - the process of finding information, a place, or and object, especially for the first time

If you look at the first 2 definitions, they have something in common: that some form of external factor is involved.

Learning is something that does occur naturally, however, it is so entrenched in outcomes thanks to the education system, that the process doesn't seem to matter anymore, as long as the results are there. Numerous studies have proven that memorising and regurgitating facts (i.e. rote learning) has no determination on what the student learns. Children are merely demonstrating their memory recall skills (don't believe me, listen to episode 53 and 35 of the podcast)

When I see the word discover, I feel freedom, joy, aliveness, curiosity, and a deep sense of intrinsic interest and motivation.

In a study conducted in the 1960s requested by NASA, researchers discovered that school children lose their natural ability to think creatively the more time they spend within the school system:

• 98% of 5-year-olds tested at the “genius” level

• They tested the same children at 10 years old, the percentage of genius-level imaginative and innovative thinkers fell to 30%.

• At age 15 the genius-level of the same students had dropped to 12%

• Only 2% of adults still retain their ability to think imaginatively, with creativity and innovation

Their conclusion: the education system is responsible for dumbing down humanity.

If this is something that interests you I highly recommend Free to Learn by Dr Peter Gray and Dumbing Us Down by John David Gatto (read more about their books here)

When my son told me he prefers the word DISCOVER, I listened, I reflected and I realised how far we are yet to come as a society.

When we think about it, discover is exactly what we do. Once we discover something, we move on to the next discovery, or we dig deeper to discover more about a particular interest.

Life is fluid, flexible, adaptable, possible.

It is not something that should be rigid, structured, outlined or riddled with outcomes.

To do that, is to deprive ourselves of embodying the very creative beings that we are.

What a cruel disservice are we subjecting our children and ourselves to when we educate and force them to learn what is dictated to them by the education system.

Let's discover life, the way we were born to.

This is permission to live life the way you want to live it.
If you don't like a particular word, don't use it.
If your child wants to create entirely new words, let them.
Just because something is labelled as a 'norm' does not make it right.
Normal is not a reflection of who a person is, or the potential of what they are yet to become, in their own time and in their own way.
I choose to live a life of discovery, authenticity and adventure.
That involves shutting doors, going against the flow, rocking boats and saying 'no' to many societal norms.
It's not a well-trodden path.
But then again the best paths in life are the ones yet to be discovered.

Spirited Hearts™ TOP 15 Books for Parents

This is not your regular list of “parenting” books. In keeping things holistic, I have gathered the books I believe are most helpful to the various different aspects of parenting; from challenges that arise, why children need to play more, and parents working through all their own childhood traumas and stress.

The reason it is important to not only focus on books about tantrums, sleep struggles and difficult toddlers, is because our journey as parents, is much more about us, than it is our children.

After spending close to two decades researching, studying, and working with children and parents, the biggest changes that occur in families, is when parents take accountability for what is theirs, work through it with compassionate support and walk hand-in-hand with their child with an emotional load that is a lot less. This also means that we can compassionately reduce intergenerational trauma and stress, so that we not only feel better, but our children grow into adults that have little need to heal from their own childhoods.

So, without further ado, here are the books I would highly recommend to parents (there are many more books I could definitely suggest, and I was very intentional in the selection of these fifteen).

 

The BEST Book (if you only read one book on this list, make it this one!)

Raising Resilient & Compassionate Children by Lael Stone & Marion Rose PhD

This without a doubt the best book I have ever read, and my absolute favourite. This book is filled with so much compassion and empathy, that I have never witnessed in another book before. This book addresses common parenting challenges, as well as invites us to look into healing our own childhood hurts and trauma. With beautiful invitations to help us explore ourselves, and reminders for self-compassion on our journeys as parents, this book goes above and beyond any book on parenting you have ever read.

Want to hear Lael’s story? Listen here on my podcast.

Want to hear more from Marion? Listen here on my podcast.

Best Books for Parents-to-Be or Parents of Children under 2 years old

The Aware Baby by Aletha Solter PhD

I first read this book 10 years ago, when I was pregnant with my first child and it had the biggest impact on me as I entered parenthood. After spending my years at university studying my passion for child development, I already had intentions for what I needed parenting to look like for me. I never imagined that a book already existed that met those intentions, plus so much more. This book has always been ahead of its time, first published in 1984 and revised in 2001.This book covers everything you need to know about parenting babies and toddlers. There are also self-reflection questions throughout the book, that have the potential to take your parenting and life, to the next level.

Best Book for Parents of Children Aged 2-8 years old

Cooperative & Connected by Aletha Solter PhD

Written by the same author as the book above, this is the book I would highly recommend for parenting during the early. With an easy-to-follow layout, filled with scientific studies, knowledge and personal stories, this book covers everything. From tears and tantrum, fears and conflicts, plus so much more.

Best Book to Help Children Heal from Trauma & Stress

Healing Your Traumatized Child by Aletha Solter PhD

Only released in 2022, this book is my favourite by Aletha. I have such a passion for child development and trauma, and this combines both. It’s a small book that is extremely powerful at detailing the science behind trauma, understanding our body’s natural healing mechanism and the ways that we can support our children (and ourself) to release trauma and stress from the body. This is a must read for every person who spends time with children.

Best Book to Bring More Play into the Parent-Child Relationship

Playful Parenting by Lawrence J Cohen PhD

Bringing play to your life as a parent is one of the biggest game-changers you can make. When I first started using play with my children, it felt so foreign and uncomfortable to me. However, over the years I have grown to love it. Is your child hitting? Play will help. Is your child struggling at bedtime? Play will help. Is your child refusing to eat dinner? Play will help. Seriously, I have not yet come across a parenting challenge that play doesn’t help in some form or another. This book is such an easy read, with so many fun and playful examples for all the challenging behaviour your child may throw at you.

You can read my article on this wonderful book here.

Best Parenting Book that Covers it All

Listen by Patty Wipfler & Tosha Schore

If you are after a quick reference book, that you don’t need to read cover-to-cover, this book might be the one for you. Covering the tools pioneered by Patty Wipfler, founder of Hand in Hand Parenting, this book details all the different ways you can meet your child’s needs, listen to their feelings and bring play to challenging situations.

Want to hear Tosha’s share her knowledge and wisdom? Listen here on my podcast.

Best Book on Improving Your Communication Skills

Nonviolent Communication by Marshall Rosenberg PhD

I absolutely love Nonviolent Communication (NVC), this language is truly world changing, and can be so easily implemented in your family. In a culture that focuses on shame, blame and guilt, which leads to stress and trauma, this method of communication has the capacity to heal all relationships. With powerful examples, Marshall has proven the effective of NVC in politics, warring nations, amongst prisoners and in families. This is a book I am so willing to see in every single household, school and workplace.

Best Book for Highly Sensitive Children

The Highly Sensitive Person by Elaine Aron PhD

High sensitivity is a genetic trait and there are approximately 15-20% of the population that are highly sensitive – myself and most members of my family included. Life can feel overwhelming, loud and hectic when you are highly sensitive, and for a child it can be that much more challenging, especially if the people around him/her do not understand high sensitivity. Elaine’s first book The Highly Sensitive Person (HSP) is also a book I would recommend if you feel like you might be highly sensitive, there is a short quiz at the beginning of both books which can help guide you. Due to it being genetic, high sensitivity is a basic human need that is often overlooked as adults attempt to shape and control children, and HSPs to fit into a society that tends to value other traits. This book can assist you in understanding, as well as normalising your child and/or yourself if either of you are highly sensitive.

Best Books for Maintaining Strong Relationships with Your Child/ren

Hold On to Your Kids by Dr Gabor Mate & Dr Gorden Neufeld

This is a book I would definitely recommend to all parents, particularly those whose children go to school. The overall message of the book is that children are more peer-oriented than ever, which has affected society as a whole. Children need to have safe adults in their life, who have the maturity to support, nurture and hold space for them, all things that cannot be adequately provided by their peers. This book is a wealth of knowledge, research and dedication to supporting the raising of health, well-adapted children.

Raising Our Children, Raising Ourselves by Naomi Aldort

I read this many many years ago. This book can really elevate ourselves as the parents we desire to be. It explores ways of being with our children that allow them to be authentically who they are and respect their free will as fellow human beings. It helps us understand the need for children to stay in alignment with their own needs and feelings, in a parent-child relationship filled with unconditional love and understanding.

Unconditional Parenting by Alfie Kohn

I love all the work Alfie Kohn puts into the world, it is revolutionary and so needed. This book changes the way parents think, feel and act with their children. It removes the “conditions” of parenting with rewards and punishments, and leaves you with an unconditional parent-child relationship filled with love, empathy, compassion and respect. It has the potential to change our relationships with our children, as well as the relationship we have with ourselves.

It’s OK NOT to Share…and Other Renegade Rules for Raising Competent and Compassionate Kids by Heather Shumaker

I love the defiance in this book, and going against what is deemed “normal.” This book really challenges you to question the purpose, intent and benefits of so many aspects of what society burdens on children and parents. There is a growing movement of parents, educators and teachers who are squashing social norms, and instead putting the needs and feelings of children at the forefront. A book for parents who love to think and be outside the box.

Best Books for Play & Nature

Balanced & Barefoot by Angela Hanscom

One of my favourite books, Angela presents so much wisdom knowledge and insight into why our children are struggling in the 21st century. With research comparing children from the 1980s to today, there is a stark and heartbreaking contrast to the lack of strength and vitality children today possess. The solution is simple: give children more child-centred play outdoors in nature, away from adult direction. The studies, and looking back at our own childhoods prove, that this is the way forward.

Want to hear more of Angela’s insights as a Paediatric Occupational Therpist? Listen here on my podcast.

 

Last Child in the Woods by Richard Louv

Our children are really struggling in today’s society, due mainly to a large shift in lifestyle. Being indoors and sedentary has negatively impacted all areas of healthy child development. The author clearly, and beautifully redirects us back to our own nature-filled childhoods, as the solution. Giving children more time outdoors, at home and at school, can change their life for the better and improve their overall wellbeing.

Free to Learn by Peter Gray

This is one of the most recommended books by guest on Spirited Hearts™ the podcast, and for very good reason. This delves into the history of the education system, why it hasn’t served the wellbeing of children for centuries, and other ways we can allow our children to truly thrive, develop and learn in ways that are meaningful for them. Parents have an extremely powerful voice in their child’s education, and all it takes is one conversation to make tiny changes. Maybe those changes won’t happen immediately, but it plants the seeds for making this world much better for our children.

What are your thoughts and feelings on this list? Have you read any of these books?

Do you have a favourite book you would recommend to parents? Leave a comment below.