My 10 Year Old's Traumatic Memory of When He Was One DAY Old!

My 10 year old had been experiencing some big feelings, instead of releasing them, he was doing everything he could to keep them in.

This week he became upset because the speakers on his computer weren't working, this was what is referred to in Aware Parenting as a "Broken Cookie" moment - it wasn't just about the speakers, there were accumulated feelings that needed to come out and the speakers were a pretext.

My son took off his jumper and started to chew it to distract himself from his feelings. He put it over his head, as a way to block out the compassion my husband and I were giving him in that moment. Every time we said "we're here" or "we're listening" or "we love you" he would cover his ears and yell "no, no, I don't want you to listen to me, I'm not going to cry!" We found it difficult to create a balance of attention (another Aware Parenting term).

I waited patiently, lovingly, in silence and after a few moments he removed his jumper from his head and looked at me with watery eyes.

I said to him "I would like to ask you a question, which you can answer only if you are willing."

He nodded his head.

I asked, "I'm wondering if you feel willing to share what's happening for you in these moments, where you are trying so hard to keep everything in? I can see how hard that is for you."

He replied, "it reminds me of the time I was in the hospital and a strange lady took me away from you while I was crying."

I stood there, completely speechless.

What my son had told me, had actually happened....when he was one DAY old!

I had experienced a third degree tear while birthing him, and I had to get surgery and a spinal tap. For the first 24 hours, I could not feel my legs, I could not move and I was in a lot of pain.

My husband also wasn't allowed to stay with me overnight.

I was all alone.

Every time my son cried, I had to push the button for nurse assistance, wait for a nurse to arrive and then ask them to pass me my son. During the early hours of the morning, a nurse came in and said she had paperwork to do, so she would take my son and hold him while she worked. After being awake for over 2 days, I did not have the strength to say 'no.'

This is a story I remember very vividly, and apparently my son does too, over a decade after it happened.

Babies experience feelings, stress and trauma while in the womb. Once a baby is born, they are so highly sensitive, helpless, powerless and experience a lot of overwhelm and overstimulation. They have the same need to express their feelings, stresses and traumas as adults.

Throughout the first year of my son's life, he released so many feelings. Feelings I knew were related to parts of my pregnancy where I experienced stress, his birth (which even though it was a natural water birth was very traumatising for both of us) and all the new things he was being exposed to in the world.

My husband and I listened lovingly to his stresses and traumas for hundreds of hours in the first year of his life. We have continued providing our loving, compassionate presence to his feelings, accepting all of him.

So when he told me this memory of him as a newborn, I knew that even after all the listening over the past 10 years, there is still trauma for him with what we both went through in the first few days of his life at the hospital - a place that was not respectful, nurturing or compassionate.

In those moments after he shared his memory with me, he cried and released some of the stress hormones from his body surrounding this experience.

I listened.

I listened as he shared how he didn’t feel safe with this stranger, how he didn’t accept his crying and tried to silence him, how all he wanted was to be in my arms.

I also intuitively know that there is more there, ready to rise to the surface at the right moments for him. I know that there are feelings that have been reactivated in me about this experience, especially after my son shared his memory.

Afterwards, I reflected on some occurrences that had been happening for him this last week. As I mentioned, he has been doing his very best to hold all his feelings inside himself.

I’m not shocked that he remembers being a newborn baby, especially because this memory he shared was traumatic for him. What I was honestly surprised at was that this memory had resurfaced over a decade later, and also after all the feelings that we have listened to in that time, I would have thought the trauma would have been released then.

Our bodies are so wise at knowing when to release stress and trauma from our past, it never gives us too much at anyone time, even though those times can feel very overwhelming and painful.

With babies and children, there are many times where we do not even know the reasons for their tears, and that’s okay. Many times they are releasing accumulated feelings from their past.

Afterwards, I reflected on some occurrences that had been happening for him this last week. As I mentioned, he has been doing his very best to hold all his feelings inside himself.

It's really hard to hold it all together, it has to spill out somewhere.

And it did.

Several times this past week, he has spilled liquids all over the floor:

• he was making porridge and spilt the milk all over the floor;

• he knocked his drink bottle off his bedside table, the lid broke and the contents flooded the floor next to his bed;

• after we cleaned up the big water puddle, he then went to get a drink from a cup in the kitchen, and dropped it. Spilling water everywhere once again;

• he made himself a hot chocolate and knocked it all over the kitchen bench; and

• he made himself lemonade and dropped the cup just before he placed it on the table, it went all over the table and floor.

Marion Rose would call these Messages from Life (I highly recommend the course she co-created with Mary Walker; Conversations with Life), and he was getting many of the same messages . He couldn't hold in all the tears (symbolised by the liquid in the cups).

His feelings were longing to be released, they could no longer be contained in his body, they were spilling out in other areas of his life in a perfect metaphor.

Since he shared this memory with me, and has released some of his accumulated feelings and stresses, he hasn't spilled anything.

One may call all of this a coincidence, however, I don't believe in coincidences.

Sometimes we need messages that come to us externally, symbolic of what is going on for us internally.

Once we hear those messages, and bring awareness and presence to ourselves, to heal, it is remarkable how our internal world re-balances, which is then reflected in our outer world.

For me, the message I received was that sometimes, no matter how many feelings we lovingly listen to, there will be times where past traumas won’t arise until much later. Maybe that’s because until this point in time, this memory was too painful for my son, maybe it was because those feelings have only reactivated recently, or maybe I need to trust in the natural healing process and the timing.

I wonder if this resonates? Are there messages you are receiving from Life that are needing some awareness?

What is a Mama Circle?

A Brief History of Women Circles

Women circles have been happening since the beginning of time. If you look at Hunter Gather communities, they gather to cook and eat, to share stories and impart wisdom to the younger generations. This strong sense of connection and belonging kept everyone safe. Women would come together, collaborate and share their knowledge and experience, ranging from raising children, caring for the ill and all the daily activities that occurred in their lives. The circles from centuries ago also involved spirituality, religion and following the flows of nature, for example moon cycles.

All of this came to an abrupt end when patriarchal social systems allowed males to dominate the paradigm. Women were seen as inferior and the “witch” hunts began as men sort to gain more control over the lives of women and children.

Thankfully, since the Suffragette movements throughout the 20th Century, women have been regaining their power in society. There is still a long way to come, but we are getting there.

There are still challenges we face as Mamas that are still evident in society. Our roles as Mothers are often demeaned by our culture and society. We are told we should go back to work at a certain time, but then labeled as selfish for not caring for our children. Or we are told to stay at home, but then we become “Just” a Stay-at-home Mum. Society says we should be able to do it all, but at the same time says we can’t. With all this misinformation, judgment and suppressive history is it any wonder that as Mamas, we feel we can’t do anything right?

Mamas Sacred Circle™

Mama Circles are basically Women Circles but especially for Mamas. The idea of creating Mama Circles came to me over 4 years ago when I was still running my Family Day Care in Canberra. Many Mamas were talking to me about how exhausting and stressful it is to be a Mama (on top of everything else they needed to do) and how they never had time to do things for themselves. They also shared that they felt like others did not understand what they were going through. Many of them had tried Mothers Groups but found them very “cliquey” and judgmental – this is also something I experienced firsthand after my eldest child was born.

I began to see and realise how much Mamas were struggling and how much they wanted to connect in a safe and supportive environment. This is when I came up with the concept to run Women Circles for Mamas. So, Mamas Sacred Circle™ was born. I thought, if I can help facilitate a safe, nurturing, accepting and supportive environment where each Mama would have the opportunity to share, without being talked over, and really listened to on a deep empathetic level, then this may help Mums to feel understood and less alone.

Loneliness is one of the biggest epidemics in the world today (especially given the current situation of 2020). Loneliness leads to an increase in stress hormones, this can foster feelings of overwhelm, depression, anxiety, powerlessness, exhaustion and frustration. Our immune systems take a dive, and we get stuck in a perpetual cycle of stress, as we try our best to do it all, but feel like it is never enough.

For me, Mamas Sacred Circle™ is an answer to these needs and feelings because it allows Mamas to come together in unity, harmony and with a strong sense of community. The outcome of these Circles – well my hope anyway – is for Mamas to walk away feeling nurtured, loved, accepted, supported and empowered. If our cups are empty (of love, nurture, acceptance, etc) then we can’t give these things to our families and children. To fill our cups up, we can gather in Circle and hold space for all the other Mamas in that Circle. Being listened to on a deep empathetic level is one of the most healing experiences when big feelings are running your life. Stress is released from the body. Listening is one of the main skills Counsellors use, and while these Circles aren’t counselling sessions, they do offer some of the same benefits. They allow you to be heard, understood, accepted and respected. No advice is given, (unless permission is given by the speaker), every Mama has the opportunity to share what is going on for them and each Mama receives love, empathy and understanding.

Building a strong community of Mamas, who gather in Circle (online or in-person) can have profound healing effects in all areas of life.

Would you like to help me build this strong, loving and nurturing community?

Join my Online Mamas Circles to get a taste for what I am talking about, share with your Mama friends, follow me on Instagram and Facebook, and subscribe to my Newsletter to stay up-to-date on all Mamas related topics and offers.

Love & Gratitude,

Steph