Codename: Flame - Supporting Our Child Through Intense Feelings

As a parent and early childhood educator of over a decade, there are a few things I have observed in children, particularly those who are highly sensitive or who have special needs.

Sometimes, the “usual” approaches do not work, which can leave parents feeling like they are failures, there is something wrong with their child or that Aware Parenting doesn’t work for them. In complete honesty, I went through a period of time, where I thought "Aware Parenting works for every other child, except mine.” This was when I was already a certified Instructor too.

There is so much information I have to share around this, and something I am so passionate about.

One of the things that I have found very helpful is a codename.

My 10 year old son is highly sensitive, has an autism diagnosis, accumulates feelings quicker than “typical” children, and feels and expresses them more intensely.

This has looked like years of exhaustion, overwhelm, exasperation and powerlessness, as we navigate our son’s needs as he grows and develops.

Having practiced Aware Parenting since the moment he was born, he has always known that his feelings are accepted, and we love him always whether he is sad or mad.

A couple of months ago my son was experiencing a particular rough patch, he was really struggling with some intense feelings and he was often in a state of hyperarousal. He said to me, “I don’t know what’s wrong with me, why do I always do these hurtful things? I just don’t know what to do. I’m stupid!”

I felt heartbroken, and even writing this now, I can feel the tears coming to my eyes.

We chatted about bringing awareness into his body, when he feels himself headed to a hyperarousal state. What does sensations does he feel in his body? Do they have a colour or shape? Are they located somewhere in particular in his body? What does his body need to do in those moments?

We then came up with a codename because my son didn’t want to declare to the world “I’m struggling.” He wanted a word where only a select few people knew what it meant. My son chose FLAME. Whenever he says this word, it immediately alerts myself and my husband that he is really, really struggling right now, and he needs our loving support urgently.

Since we created this codename, he has used it 3 times. When he has been overwhelmed, distressed and upset. Each time my husband or I have gone to him, held space and accepted all his feelings.

Yesterday he said to me, “thank you for the codename idea, it really helps me let you know how much I’m struggling.”

My husband and I have also discovered that when our son uses this codename, it pulls us out of our own emotional activation, we may be experiencing in the moments we witness our son in hyperarousal. It quickly moves us into a state of pure compassion because we know our son never uses his codename unless it is urgent.

Do you resonate with codenames? Is this something you are willing to bring to your relationship with your child?

When we try the same thing over and over again with our child, without success, it doesn't mean we need to resort to more power-over actions and words.
Instead we can see it as an invitation to get creative, try a different approach, reach out for support.
Just because it's something that has not been done before, or something you know no one you know has tried, doesn't mean you can't try new things to improve the connection between yourself and your child.
To me, parenthood is about self-growth, evolution, healing, creativity, imagination, connection, awareness and re-awakening those things we may have forgotten: curiosity, compassion, wonder, awe, joy.

Are you needing extra support on your parenting journey? I offer 1:1 sessions to meet you wherever you are at on your parenting journey, to walk alongside you, to support you and your child through many challenges. These sessions are filled with unconditional acceptance, compassion, understanding and are trauma-informed.

How to Choose the Best Daycare & Help Your Child With Separation Anxiety

Are you having trouble deciding which daycare would best suit your child and family?

Are you concerned or are you struggling with how to help your child with separation anxiety?

I sat down with Helena Mooney from Parenting With Play and chatted about the answers to these questions plus so much more.

You can find the episode on your Podcast app by searching for “Parenting With Play” or you can click HERE and listen through Helena’s website.

This podcast is one of my favourites and I’m sure you will find so much wisdom in all the other episodes as well.

Happy listening.

Love & Gratitude,

Steph xx

Sibling Introductions - Love and Rivalry

One of the things I was concerned about when I was pregnant with my second child; was how my first child was going to react to his new siblings’ arrival. There is so much literature out there on sibling rivalry and how to ensure your siblings get along. To be honest I have read maybe five pages on the topic. Why? Well firstly I am a sibling myself – the eldest of three to be exact. So I do know what it is like. Plus one of the areas of personal growth I have experienced since becoming a Mum, is to simply go with the flow, trust myself and take things moment-by-moment.

Like I mentioned above I am the eldest of three children. My sister is two years younger than me. I don’t remember my Mum being pregnant, bringing home my sister or anything really until I was 3 years old and my sister was one. From that point I have an abundance of memories. My brother then came along a couple of weeks after I started kindergarten.  I was 5, and so I do have the memories of my Mum being pregnant, feeling and listening to my baby sibling moving in her tummy, meeting my brother for the first time in hospital and helping to look after him. It is because of these two very different memories – or rather lack of memories when my sister was born – that I personally chose to have a bigger age gap than two years between my 2 children.

 My kids are exactly 3.5 years apart in age. When I got pregnant I was busy running my own Family Day Care. So I got a lot of questions not only from my son, but also from all the other toddlers in my care. I found it a beautiful experience to share this with them, and they loved feeling my belly and asking “is the baby coming out yet?” As my son was 3, he was able to grasp in his own way that there was a baby growing in my tummy and when the baby was big enough it would come out. We would talk about what the baby would look like, what it would do and how excited my son was that he would have someone to play with.

 To help prepare for their first introduction in hospital, I got my son to pick out a present for his new brother. I also got my older son a present that would be from the baby. When the day came I got my Mum to bring my son in and we hugged and spent time with him. When he was ready we introduced him to his new baby brother and they exchanged gifts. I thought it was very important for their initial meeting to have a give and receive exchange, and my son loved that experience. He asked a lot of questions about why the baby was now out and where he was going to go when we got home.

 Once we did get home, my son was still trying to understand that he was no longer the only kid on the block in our house. There were times in the first few weeks where he would say things like “throw him in the bin,” “take him back to the hospital,” and “put him back in your tummy.” Throughout all these outbursts I remained empathetic and understanding of his feelings. I believe this helped greatly in curbing any jealousy because now 3 months later these two precious little boys love each other. As soon as the baby sees his older brother his face lights up, and his older brother loves interacting with him. It is also lovely to see that the way we treat my older son is shining through in the way he treats his brother. When little brother is upset, big brother will come running and gently stroke his face and say “your safe, I’m here.” It is so beautiful to watch and really melts my heart. I also feel so happy that when my older son does have a tantrum he never takes it out on his little brother. I don’t know if that will continue in the future, but I have hope and faith, as though they are both off to such a loving start in their brotherly relationship.

Some Sibling-Love Tips

Prepare Your Child/ren For the New Arrival

No matter how young your other child/ren are I would recommend preparing them for the arrival of their new sibling. This allows them to feel respected, part of the process and gives them some feelings of control over this change in their lives. Some ways you can do this is by answering their questions with age-appropriate responses; telling them stories; role-playing with teddies or dolls; sharing your own experiences if you have siblings.

Special Time

Especially once the new baby has arrived, it is important to put aside time for just you and your other child. This will help to fill up their cup of connection with you, and there is less chance of sibling rivalry. What works for me and my son is once a day we will have special play time. I give my baby to a family member (most often my husband) to look after. I then set an alarm on my phone – this helps to avoid arguments and tantrums when it is time to move onto other things that need to be done. I always choose child-directed play. I feel this helps my son overcome any feelings of powerlessness he may be feeling about his new brother, or any other aspect of his life. Currently his favourite game is to pretend his bed is a boat that we sit on, he then asks me to choose a button (pretend) to push which makes us go faster or slower. These play sessions we set aside are so full of joy, presence and love that we both feel fulfilled when the alarm goes off. The amount of time changes day-by-day too depending on our other commitments. Sometimes I set the alarm for 10 minutes, other times 30 minutes. It doesn’t really matter to my son because children live in the present moment, and he knows that when that alarm goes off that special one-on-one playtime is over until the next day.

Laughter

For years professionals have said “laughter is the best medicine” and that holds true for parenting as well. Laughter releases fear and pent up emotions from the body. One thing I will mention before continuing though is that this laughter must be initiated by the person/child, not forced on them through things such as tickling. While tickling generally makes most people laugh it is involuntary and if you pay attention to their body language over the laughing, you will realise that most people actually go rigid and attempt to push you away. This is because it has a tendency to make us feel powerless, most people don’t like being tickled, the laughing response is involuntary and the tickler believes the child like it. When, in fact, most of the time people don’t like being tickled.

The laughter I’m describing generally comes about through being goofy. You can play games with your children around their feelings of fear and anxiety about their new sibling. For example you and your partner can playfully pretend to fight over who gets to play with your child. This game can elicit lots of laughter form your child and help him to overcome feelings of jealousy.

Empathy & Compassion

I am a big advocate in these two values, especially when it comes to parenting. I find that my son moves on quicker from his feelings of jealousy, powerlessness and frustration surrounding his baby brother when I offer empathy and compassion for his feelings. For example when he said “put him in the bin.” Instead of saying how horrible he was for saying that, I empathised with him. “You must be feeling really upset to want your brother to be thrown in the bin.” “I hear how you want it to be just us again.” “Are you worried he is going to play with all your toys?” This helps my son feel understood, respected and validated. I believe it is these empathic responses that have helped him form such a loving relationship with his brother so quickly.

What were your techniques for introducing your new baby to your other child/ren? I would love to hear from you, so please leave a comment below.

How I Discovered Aware Parenting

Before I even planned on having kids, I always had this vision of how I would parent. There is a little known fact that every new generation of parents evolve from the way they were raised. Why? Simply because there were parts from all of our childhoods that we knew we didn’t like and therefore we decided to do things differently when it was our turn to have children. For me, I knew that I wouldn’t use punishments, spanking or timeouts with my children.

When I did become pregnant with my first child, I still had in my head the way I wanted to raise him. I had no idea if there was even a way of parenting out there that met my needs as a soon-to-be parent. Little did I know at the time that my desire to parent a certain way would land on my lap and send me on a journey that would shape myself as a Mum, entrepreneur and human being.

 In my 8th month of pregnancy with my first child I was reading the Appendix section at the back of my Calmbirth book when I came across an essay written by Marion Rose (now my Mentor and dear Friend) about something called Aware Parenting, which is a parenting philosophy by Developmental Psychologist Aletha Solter PhD. As I sat there all bulgy and pregnant, my mouth got wider and wider in complete shock, delight and excitement as I soaked in those 5 pages of words. I thought to myself “Oh my goodness, can this really be? There is a parenting philosophy out there that 100% fit my desires as a parent. Plus so much more?” The answer was yes. I got up as quickly as an 8-month pregnant woman could and hobbled into the kitchen to share my exciting discovery with my husband. I read to him the entire article out loud. At the end I asked him what he thought. He said that it resonated with him before I’d even finished the first paragraph! That’s pretty powerful stuff.

The next thing I did was jump on the Book Depository website and ordered every single one of Aletha’s books on Aware Parenting (there were 4 at the time, there are now 5). Unfortunately the books didn’t arrive before my son was born, but once they arrived I devoured each page of those four books as quickly as I could. Thankfully, it didn’t take long because the time spent sitting up at night feeding my newborn gave me the opportunity to read the books that changed my life.

I became so passionate about Aware Parenting and sort other parents out in my community and abroad who were following this approach. I then connected with Marion (who I mentioned above). I have done several of the amazing online courses she has to offer. I lived and breathed Aware Parenting, all with the support from my husband – which let me tell you, when you are on the same page about parenting as your spouse if freaking amazing. Our family didn’t really understand this different kind of parenting. Some of them probably thought the whole thing was completely ludicrous. However, there were a couple of family members that went to the effort to understand and even practice Aware Parenting with my kids, for which I am truly grateful.

As my journey into Aware Parenting deepened, I realised it was more a way of life than just a way to parent. It sparked in me a deep passion and altered my career course to specialise in parenting and children. It was very early on that I decided I was going to become a Certified Aware Parenting Instructor. I achieved this almost 4 years ago; 3 years after I commenced my Aware Parenting journey.

So what is this Aware Parenting you ask? If you’ve read my previous blog posts they will give you some inkling as to the philosophy. Aware Parenting is about honouring a child for who they are, seeing them for who they are instead of their behaviour. It is a way of life encompassing compassion, empathy, cooperation, connection and understanding. There are three main components as outlined by Aletha as the core of what Aware Parenting is. These are:

• Attachment-style parenting

  • Natural childbirth and early bonding

  • Plenty of physical contact

  • Prolonged breast-feeding

  • Prompt responsiveness to crying

  • Sensitive attunement

• Non-punitive discipline

  • No punishments of any kind (including spanking, "time-out", and artificial "consequences")

  • No rewards or bribes

  • A search for underlying needs and feelings

  • Anger management for parents

  • Peaceful conflict-resolution (family meetings, mediation, etc.)

• Healing from stress and trauma

  • Recognition of stress and trauma (including unmet needs) as primary causes of behavioral and emotional problems

  • Emphasis on prevention of stress and trauma

  • Recognition of the healing effects of play, laughter, and crying in the context of a loving parent/child relationship

  • Respectful, empathic listening and acceptance of children's emotions

(Copyright © 1994 by Aletha Solter “copied with permission from the Aware Parenting Institute website” http://www.awareparenting.com/aspects.html)

All of these principles are based on scientific and psychological research into the development of a human baby and child. When you read that tears and tantrums are healing, I wonder how that makes you feel? Before I came across Aware Parenting, I thought these were things that needed to be stopped. However, after reading the scientific research it makes complete sense for me personally. Biochemist William Fey discovered that when we cry to release emotions such as sadness, powerlessness, frustration and anger we are releasing stress hormones from our body. This is a crucial step in allowing our body to regain equilibrium.

Aware Parenting is following what works for you, tuning in to your own feelings around all aspects of your life and going with what resonates with you. As with everything in life, take what you like and leave the rest when you close this window.

I have lived, breathed and parented Aware Parenting for 7 years, and I can say with absolute certainty that the times I have stumbled (whether from exhaustion or stress) and defaulted to the way I was raised (punishment, timeouts, etc), my children have not responded well. When I use Aware Parenting by connecting before correcting, using play for challenging behaviours and holding space for big feelings, everyone feels happier and more connected.

Playful Parenting

My eldest son who is 6 years old tends to get overwhelmed and overstimulated easily. These feelings are then externalised as screaming, hitting and throwing. I’ve had various people tell me to threaten him, bribe him, send him to his room and deprive him of things he loves. All of these are techniques I told myself before I became a parent that I would not do. Why? Well, for two reasons. One, it didn’t sit well with me, and two, because I have read the scientific research which demonstrates these ways are not effective and in the long run can even be harmful to the parent-child relationship. Instead I chose to focus on the works of those who are highly qualified, highly experienced and who offer a more gentler approach which is full of compassion, connection and fun.

First of all, I am no saint. I have used some of those more severe methods of coercion to get my son to not do something like when he wanted to throw his toys in the ceiling fan or when he refused to get into the car next to a busy road. I didn’t like how it felt using threats and bribes, and I can tell my son certainly didn’t either. It just made his behaviour worse. It made him feel powerless and frustrated. In turn it made me feel the same way. So here we were, stuck in an endless and never-ending battle of wills and stubbornness.

Last year, my husband was away for work, for 8 months. He came home on weekends when he could but it was challenging. I was solo parenting for the first time with a 4 year old and an infant. I was exhausted from lack of sleep. Exhausted from lack of support. Exhausted because I didn’t have the resources, nor the time to replenish my completely depleted supply of energy, love and compassion. I found myself yelling back at my son. It was horrible, for both of us. I look back at those times and shudder. At the same time, that yelling still comes up, because after months of reacting this way, it kind of became habitual. I still feel like I’m detoxing the residual effects of all those threats, all that yelling, all that coerciveness.

The good news is that I reached out to a dear friend and mentor of mine; Marion Rose (PhD). She knew exactly what I needed, offered some suggestions, and away I went to work on myself and rebuild the relationship between my son that has melted in the face of yelling matches. Now, what Marion suggested to me was not new to me, in fact they were things I have known about for years. But hey, I’m human, so I needed a re-push in the right direction. Her recommendations were based on the principles of Aware Parenting (something I am so passionate about I became a certified Instructor 2 years ago). Now, the stuff I am about to share with you is unconventional (as in it goes against what most people see as “discipline”) and it seems completely counterintuitive. If you’ll bear with me, I will share with you specific examples of how it helped my son and I so much more than using “carrots and sticks” (i.e. rewards and punishment).

So here is what I did. I re-read Attachment Play by Aletha Solter (PhD), and re-did Marion’s course “Attachment Play.” I also read for the first time Playful Parenting by Lawrence J. Cohen (PhD). Funnily enough, this book had been sitting on my bookshelf, unread, for over a year. I highly recommend both these 2 books and Marion’s course. Lifesavers and life changers. When I was reading Playful Parenting, like most books I read, I took notes, underlined and put sticky notes on pages. I would like to share with you some of the things that I took away from this book so you can understand some of the principles behind the philosophy, and then I will give you specific examples of play I used with my son to solve behavioural upsets.

My Take Aways from Playful Parenting

·       For our children to have a Secure Attachment to us as parents (see Bowlby for more on Attachment Theory) our children need cups overflowing with affection, security and attention. When their cups are running low this can lead to behavioural issues.

·       Physical play is extremely important to a child’s development and wellbeing

·       Most experts who study childhood emotions agree that anger covers up other more vulnerable feelings. For example pain, loss and fear.

·       When children are GENTLY stopped from lashing out, they will release their vulnerable and painful feelings through tears, trembling and talking

·       Countless studies (which I have read for my Masters degree) have shown that adults hitting children is likely to make them more aggressive, more antisocial and more likely to end up in prison or with serious emotional problems.

·       Instead of getting children to be more obedient, strive for them to have good judgment.

·       The  way children develop into thoughtful, considerate, kind and honest adults is because of the love and affection, the high moral standards and the close relationship with someone who models those values. Promises, threats, rewards and punishments have been called “the most primitive way of dealing with human beings.” Humans have the advanced capacity to think and reason, and because we NEED close connections, it makes much more sense to use loving and talking as the basis of discipline.

·       Laughter is the best medicine. It releases anger, fear, anxiety and all those juicy painful emotions.

·       By focusing on the underlying need and feeling instead of reacting to the surface behaviour, we can develop strong and lasting connections with our children, that they will then take into the world with honesty, kindness, cooperation and compassion.

The bottom line is CONNECTION, CONNECTION, CONNECTION. So how do we do this when our child is screaming at us, hitting their sibling or us and throwing things across the room? Here are some examples:

·       Hitting (The Love Hit Game) – not long after my husband went away for work my son went through a stage of hitting me whenever he felt overwhelmed, upset and angry. While it would have been easier to send him to time-out or punish him in some other way, I decided to turn it into a game. Whenever he hit me (which I made sure I was a distance where it wouldn’t hurt, safety is always important) I said in a mock angry voice “did you just hit me? I think you just hit me. Do you know what that means? That means I must hug you with lots of love.” I then goofily followed him around the room and hugged him in a silly way that he found hilarious. Now, I get it, it may seem like I was “rewarding” his behaviour. But I chose to see his behaviour as a cry for help, here was this little human that was experiencing all these big painful emotions. So I connected with my son and used love to remedy the behaviour. The result? Well the more I did this, the less he hit out of anger. His behaviour dramatically improved and when he did experience these emotions in the future he was better able to process them on his own.

·       Baby bear in a cave – this game I learnt from Aletha in her book Attachment Play (p.65). This game is really helpful when it comes to getting our kids to cooperate and they have feelings of powerlessness. For this game I created a cave, which I simply did by making a circle of pillows. I then had my son play the baby bear, and I played the Mama bear going to get honey. I said to my cub “Mama’s going to get honey, no baby bears are allowed out of the cave ok?” Of course my son snuck out, so when I turned around and saw him making a run for it, I got my mock anger on and said “I said no baby bears out of the cave, oh baby bear, you better go back in that cave.” Lots of laughter ensued from this and our connection grew stronger, as did my son’s cooperation.

·       Pillow fight – when my son gets really riled up, my husband and I pillow fight with him. We direct the hits and kicks to a pillow. Sometimes we give the pillow a helpless persona “oh don’t hit me I’m a poor little pillow.” Other times we play the weaker role and allow our son to hit us with the pillow. We then fall down and say “oh no you hit me.” When we go to hit him with the pillow, we purposefully miss. This also brings on lots of laughter because children are constantly attempting to deal with their own inadequacies and parents showing their flaws and inability to do things really forms a deep connection that we are all going through similar experiences.

These are just a small number of games we play with my son. We play them either as the need arises. For example any misbehaviour we turn into a game, which then release the emotions in the background and restores harmony. We also set aside time each day (if we can) for “Special Time” where we set a timer and let our kids direct the entire play session.

How are you feeling about bringing more fun, laughter and play into your life?

As adults, it can be quite challenging as most of us left our goofy, awkward selves back in our childhood. I have found though, through personal experience and the research, that this type of “play therapy” is so beneficial for our children, but also for ourselves. I also feel less stressed and anxious after a play session with my son because I laugh as well. I constantly feel out of my comfort zone, and the thought that I’m making a complete fool of myself does make me cringe, but it is so worth it, just to see and feel that deep connection.

If you’ve used play to discipline I would love to hear your experiences. If you are new and willing to throw it all to the wind I would highly recommend Attachment Play course, Attachment Play by Aletha Solter (PhD) or Playful Parenting by Lawrence J. Cohen. Such amazing and life changing resources. If you feel like the whole idea is ludicrous then that is ok too, but just know that this method is always here if you need it.

Love & Gratitude xx